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Price 15 Cents each.— Bouad Volumes $1.25. 



TOU L 
I Us 
t FuU 

I Tk< l^tj tf Lt«m 

4 lUahdlt* 

I TU wir« 

< Tk« Htaiymoon 

1 Tkt S«h««l hi Bcandkl 

• Mm.7 

VOL. tl. 

f Tka StruHr 
I* •nia4r>th«r Wbitchiad 
11 Rl«liir4 Iir 
II Ut>'i BaerllSct 
It Tb* Samiittr 
U A Curt for th« HwrUche 
II Th< HuQchback 
U Dm Cmtr dt Bu>a 

VOL. IIL 
M Tk« P»«r GantlanikD 
II Hamlat 
1* Ckariti II 
M Vanita Praiarrad 
tl riaarra 
tt Tba Lara Cbata 
tl Otballa 
U Laid ma Flra SbllllDgt 

VOL. IV. 
ti Vlrglniui 

M Kluf »t tba Coinmoni 
tt Laoaon Atiuranca 
tlTbaRaotDay 
n Twa OtDtlaman ofVaroua 
HTba Jaaloui WIfa 
II Tba Rlrali 
It rarfaatlan 

VOL. V. [Debli 
II A Naw Way to Pa; Old 
M Loak Bafora Tou Laas 
IIKtnr Jobn 
It Narrout Man 
17 Damon and PTthlaa 
M Clandattlna Marriaga 
M William Tall 
M Day aflar tba Warding 

VOL. VL 
«l SpMd tka Plmgh 
ItKomaaand JulTat 
41 Faudal TImai 
44 Cbarlai tba TwalKi 
41 Tba Brida 
4tTbaFolllaioraNlgbt 
47 Iras Chait IFalr Lady 
41 Falut Haart Xarar Won 

VOL. VIL 
4t R«ad to Ruin 
•e Macbatb 
II Tampar 
It Kradna 
tt Bartram 
14 Tba Doanna 
tt Macb Ado About Nothing 
tt Tba Critic 

VOL. VIII. 
IT Tba ApoiUta 
tl Twalfib Nlgbt 
tt Brutaa 
to Slmpioii k C» 
tl Uarabant ofVanloa 
It Old HaadiA Young Haarti 
tt Mauntalnaan [rlag« 

ttTbraa Waaka aflar iMar- 

VO* IX. 
It LoTa 

It At You I X* It 
17 Tba Eldar Brotbar 
tt Wiratr 

tl aiiip).ui 

19 Tawn and CouDtr/ 
II King Laar 
It BluaDarili 

VOL. X. 
flHanry VIII 
14 Marrlad and SIngIa 
H Haary lY 
n Pa»l >ry 
tj Ouy Mann.rlng 
Tl Swaalhiarti and Wlrat 
n Barloiii Family 
10 Saa .^toopi ta Conqu 



VOL. XL 
II Jullui Cciar 

13 VicarofWakcflald 
It I.<ap Ytar 

14 Tba Calinaw 
M Tba Failing Cloud 
16 Drunkard 
87 Rob Roy 
83 Ucorga liarnwell 

VOL. XU. 
69 Ttigoinar 
»0 SkeichFi li India 
9 1 TwoFrknd* 
9 Jftna Shore 
93 Conican Brothtri 
64 Mind voiir own Business 
95 Wrilinc on tba Wall 
98 Heir at Law 

VOL. XIIL 
97 Soldier'! Daughter 
9t Douglai 
19 Marco Spada 

100 Natura't Nobleman 

101 Sardatiapalui 
109 CiTilUation 

103 The Rohberi 

104 Katharine and Fetruchio 

VOL. XIV. 

105 Game of Love 

106 Midtummer Night's 

107 Emaitine (Dream 

108 Rag Ticker of Paris 

109 Flying Dutchman 

110 Hypocrite 

111 Thereta 
llILaTonrdeNetla 

VOL. XV. 

113 Ireland At It It 

114 Sea of Ice 
lit Seven Clerks 
118 C;aniaof Life 

117 Forty Thieves 

118 liiyan Boroibma 

119 Romance and Raalltr 

150 Ugoliiio 

VOL. XVL 

151 The Tempest 
US The Pilot 

193 Carpenter of Roueo 

154 King'i Rival 

198 Littrt Treasure 

I9« Dombev and Son 

1^7 Parents" and Guardians 

198 Jewess 
VOL. XVII. 

199 Camille 

130 Mairied Life 

131 Wenlock of Wenlock 

139 Rose ofEttrickvale 

183 David Copperfield 

184 Aline, or the Rosa of 
lit Pauline [Killarnev 

136 Jane Eyre 
VOL. XVllI. 

137 Nii;lit and Morning 
131 iEthlop 

189 Three Guardsmen 

140 Tom CriuRle 

141 Henriette, the Forsaken 
149 EuitHche Baudin 

143 Erneit Mnltravert 

144 Bold Dragoons 

VOL. XIX. 

145 Dred, or tba Dismal 

[Swamp 

146 Last Davs of Pouipeil 

147 Eimeraldi 
141 I'eter Wilkins 

141 Ben the lioatswnln 
1 to Jonathan Bradford 
161 Retribution 
Its Minerall 

VOL. XX. 



15t Evil Genius 
151 Ben Bolt 
147 Sailor of Franca 
156 Red Mask 

159 Life of an Actress 

160 Wadding Day 



|[Moscow 



▼OL. XXI. 
Ill All's Fair in Lov* 
111 H*f«r 

ittswr 

114 Claderalla 
Hi Plsantom 

166 FrankliD 

167 Tba Gunmaker'of 
ISSTla Love of « Prince 

VOL. XXII. 
1 f.'' Soo of the N ieht 
r.v RorvO'More 
171 Golden Eagle 
\V2 Rianii 
17J Brokan Swrd 
■ 74 Rip Vaa Winkle 

175 IsabaUa 

176 Haart af Mid Lothlao 

VOL. XXlll. 

177 Actress of Fadua 
liH Floating Beacon 

179 Bride ol Lainmermoor 

180 Cataract of the Ganges 

181 Robber of the Rhln# 
18S School of Reform 
183 Wandering Boys 
134 Maieppa 

VOL. XXIV. 

185 Young New Vork 

186 The Victi:ns 

187 Romance after Marriage 

188 Brigand 

189 Poor of New York 

190 Ambrose Gwlnett 

191 Ravmond and Agnea 
19'J Gambler's Fate 

VOi.. XXV. 

193 Father and Son 

194 M:.isaniella 

195 Sixteen String Jack 

196 youthful Queen 

197 Skeleton Witness 

118 Innkeeper of Abbeville 
199 Miller and his Men 
900 Aladdin 

VOL. XXVI. 
201 Adrienne the Actress 
209 Undine 
903 Jesse Brown 
204 Asmodeus 
20i Mormons 
906 Blanche of Brnudywine 

207 Viola 

208 Deseret Deserted 

VOL. XXVII. 

209 Americans in Paris 

210 Victorine 

211 Wizard of the Wave 
919 Cnstle Spectre 

213 Horse-shoe Robinson 
21* Armand, i\lrs. Moivatt 
2r. Fashion. Mrs. Mowatt 

216 Glance at New York 

VOL. XXVIIl. 

217 Inconstant 

118 Uncle Tom's Cabin 
919 (iuide to tha Stage 
220 Veteran 
9il Miller of New Jersey 

229 Dark Hour before Diwn 

223 Jlidtum'rNight'sDresm 
[L.iurttKeene's Edition 

224 Art and Arlitirt 
VOL. XXI.X. 

225 Poor Young Man 
Ossawattomie Brown 

227 Pope of Rome 

228 Oliver Twist 
2V9 I'auvrette 

230 .Man in the Iron Mask 

231 Knight of Arv»^ 

232 Moll Pitcher 
VOL. XXX. 

233 Black Eyed Susan 
934 Satan in Farl 

235 Rosina Mead< 

236 West End, or Irish Helr^ 

237 Six Degrees of Crime 

238 The Lndy and the Devil 
9.39 Avenger, or Moor of .Slci- 
140 flasks and Faces [ly 



[ess 



vol.. X.W!. 

241 Merrv Wive, of Windsor 

242 .Marv'i Birthday 

243 .Shamlv Magulre 

244 Wild 6ats 
24,i Michael Erie 
'Ai Idiot Witness 

247 Willow Copse 

248 People's Lawyer 

'('OL. xxS:h. 

249 The Boy Martyrs 
260 l.ucretia Borgia 

251 Surgeon of Paris 

252 Patrician's Daughter 

253 Shoemaker of Tonl. use 

254 Momentous Question 

255 Ijjve ami lx)valty 

256 Robber's Wife 

VOL. XXXIII. 

257 Dumb Girl of G«noa 
9 8 Wreck Ashore 

•259 Clari 

260 Rural Felicity 

261 Wallace 
969 Madelaina 

263 The Fireman 

264 Grist to the Mill 

VOL. XXXIV. 

265 Two Loves and a Life 

266 Annie Blaka 

267 Steward 

268 Captain Kvd 

269 Nick o( the Wooda 

270 Marble Heart 
971 Second Love 
272 Dre.im at Sea 

Vol. X.XXV. 
973 Brea. li of Promise 

274 Review 

275 Ladvof theL-Ue 

276 Stllf Water Runs Deep 

277 Tha Scholar 

278 Helping Hands 

279 Faust and Marguerite 
•280 Last Alan 

VOL. XXXVL 

281 Belle's Stratagem 

282 Old a!id Young 

283 Raffaella 
214 Ruth Oakley 
2»5 British Sl.lva 
2&6 A Life's Ransom 
•287 Giralda 

285 Time Tries All 

VOL. XXXVIL 
288 Ella Rosenburg 

290 Warlock of the Glen 

291 Zelina 

292 Beatrice 

2»3 Neighbor Jackwood 
'2!<4 Wonder 
■i9b Robert Emmet 
•296 Green Bushes 

VOL. X.XXVIIL 

297 Flowers ol the Forest 

298 A Bacheh.rof Arts 
•299 The Midnight Banquet 
300 llnsbmid of an Hour 
301'l,ove's Labor Lost 

309 Naiad Queen 

303 Caprice 

104 Cradle of Liberty 

, VOL. xxxii. - 

305 Tha U.st Ship 

306 Connlrv Squire 

307 Fraud and lis Vlctiml 
lot I'ntnam 

309 King and Deserter 
3IU La Fiamnilna 
311 A Hard Struggle 
319Gn'innette Vaughan 

VOL. XL. 

313 The Love Knot [Judgt 

814 Lavtiler, or Not a Bad 

315 Tba Noble Heart 

316 Coriolanus 

317 The Winter's T.il« 

318 Eveleen Wilson 

319 Ivanhoa 

390 Jonathan In Eqgliuid 



(French's Standard Drama Continued on j J page of Cover.) 



SAMUEL FRENCH, 26 W^st a2d Street, New York City. 

Kew and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request 



OH! SUSANNAH! 



H ^farcical Come&s in Ubree Hcts 



MARK AMBIENT 



Copyright, 1905, by Samuel French 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

26 WEST 22D STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 

26 Southampton Street, 

STRAND, LONDON 



LiafiAflY of CONGRESS 
Ivyu Copies KsctivtMi 

LMAR 26 1905 

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Noi 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 



Produced at the Eden Theatre, Brighton, on September 
6th, 1897, afterwards played at the Royalty Theatre, 
London, with the following cast : — 

John Sheppard, M.D. (A young 

doctor) Mr. Chas. Glenny. 

Lieut. Andrew Merry, R.N. (His 

greatest friend) Mr. L. Power. 

Hon. "Waverly Vane (Merry's 

friend) Mr. H. Farmer. 

M. Plant (A Soutlisea Solicitor).. Mr. Alfred Maltby. 
TUPPER (The Doctor's buttons) . . . Miss Clara Jecks. 
Miss Susannah Sheppard (His 

Maiden Aunt) Miss Alice Mansfield. 

Flora (His Bride) Miss Mary Milton. 

Ruby ^ Miss Bella Graves. 

I (Mr. Plant's " precious 

j jewels.") 
Pearl J Miss Grace Vincent. 

Mrs. O'Hara (The Landlady) Miss Kate Kearney. 

Aurora (The Maid) Miss Louie Freear. 

Scene : — Doctor's Consulting Room, 13 Marmalade St., 
Pimlico. 
Time : — Lady Day, 4 p. m. to 6 p. m. 
The action is continuous throughout the 3 Acts. 



time of representation. 



Act I. 53 minutes. 
Act II. 32 minutes. 
Act III. 30 minutes. 



(One hour and three quarters.) 



TMP92-008563 



COSTUMES. 

Doctor. Act 1. Frock coat and high hat. 

Act 2. Changes to pyjamas and Turkish dressing- 
gown. 

Andrew. Act 1. Blue serge yachting suit and cap. 

Act. 2. As aunt, in picture. 

Waverly. "Very smart. 

Plant. White hat, loud waistcoat, outre. 

TuppER. In buttons. 

Aunt. Quiet, old-fashioned, almost Quakerish. 

Flo. Modern tailor-made costume and smart hat. 

Ruby & Pearl. Dressed alike, in sailor hats and 
serge costumes, with sailor collars. 

Mrs. O'Hara. Eccentric Irish landlady. 

Aurora. Slatternly slavey frock, soiled white apron, 
cap awrj', large slippers tied on with string. 
{During Act 3: changes to grotesque colored dress: 
orange blossoms in hair.) 



PROPERTIES. 

On bureau. Whiskey decanter, water, glasses. 

Below bureau. Pail with water and house flannel. 

In med. chest. Small bottles of coloured water, med- 
icine -glass and roll of lint. 

On steps Feather brush. 

On ped. cupboard. Case of surgical knives. 

On doctor's table. Microscope, test tubes, phials, 
double stethoscope, eye-glass, stationery cabinet with 
note-paper, pen, pencil, calendar, Bradshaw, blotter, 
scribbling block, hand bell, ash-tray with cigarette ends 
and matches. 

In mirror. Invitation cards (Sir Peter — Mrs. O'Hara). 

On sofa. Cushions. 

Off stage. Front door bell. 



HAND PROPERTIES. 



Doctor. Act 1. Gladstone bag packed with books, 
papers and one collar. Photo of Flo in pocket, also ly»d 
in bronze. 

Act 2. Aunt's letter, also Flo's photo and coppers. 

Andrew. Act 3. Pipe and baccy. 

Waverly. Act 1. Detective camera in form of turnip 
watch. 

Act 2. Walking stick (for Pearl's Bus.) 

Plant. Act 1. Pocket hair brush — mirror at back. 

Act 3. Small black bag — deed inside. 

TuppER. Act 1. Crumpled telegram in pocket. Land- 
lady's account book. 

Flo. Act 2. Two bags and two parcels. 

Act 3. Bundle of aunt's clothes (wet). 

Ruby. Act 1. Andrew's letter. 

Act 2. Visiting card. 

Pearl. Act 2. Sporting Times. 

Act 3. Pearl necklace in case. 

Aurora. Act 1. Six letters in blue envelopes, pair 
of paste hair combs (in pocket), duster, tea-things, 
grotesquely big brown earthenware tea-pot, milk, sugar, 
cups and saucers, stale quartern loaf, knife and butter. 

Act 2. Lady's letter — thick paper, gold crest. 

Act 3. Telegram. 



Scene plot. 



Backing. Bathroom. 



Street. 



Bath. 



Hall. 
H 




R 

n 




m 



/ 



Tlie scene is a Doctor's consulting room on the ground floor of a 
locigiug-house in Pimlico. 

(1) Door R. at back to bathroom (not opened till middle of Act II 

(showing about half of bath, taps, etc). 

(2) L. at back, to passage, showing hat stand. 

(3) Down R. 

(4; Window c, commanding view of similar houses across street. 

FURNITURE. 

(B) Bureau with practicable drawers. 

(M) Medicine chest (hunp between door r. and window). 

(C) Operating couch in front of window. 

(L) Step ladder, between couch and window at rise of curtain. 
(P) Pedestal cupboard. 
(H) Hatstand. 

(A) Picture of Aunt, over door l. 
(S) Sofa for three — h:ilf facina: Are. 
(T) Doctor's table, (t) Tea table. 
(R) Revolving chair behind Doctor's table. 
(G) Grandfather's chair at fireplace, 
(c) Ordinary chairs. 

Mirror and clock over fire, fender and fire-irons. Poker used. 



oil! SUSANNAH! 



ACT I. 



Scene. The Doctor's consulting room. Ground floor, 
13 Marmalade Street, Pimlico. (See Scene Plot.) 

'(Aurora, the slavey, discovered laying out Doctor's 
letters lovingly on his writing table; she kisses each 
one as she lays it down — all are in blue envelopes.) 

Aurora. They're all for 'im — the dear doctor. Won't 
'e be pleased when 'e comes back and finds all this little 
lot! 'E went off quite sudden two days ago. Gone to 
see a patient, I expect, none ever comes 'ere, so 'e 
must go to them, {crosses l., looks in mirror) Oh, 
why was I born so rudely 'ealthy? (on sofa) I would 
like to be 'is patient. I'd a-bear anythin' v.'ith the dear 
doctor to see to me, 'e's got sich a sorft 'and. (jumps off 
sofa and stands c. looking at aiinVs picture, curtseys) 
I wonder if she's 'is fancy? 'Er with the diamond 
combs. You ain't the only one, my lady, with diamond 
combs! I'll struggle with yer. (produces combs from 
her pocket) Tenpence a pair — in the Strand, (going 
to put them on, stops) No, I'll wait till 'e comes 'ome. 
They're all for 'im, the dear doctor — all for 'im! (end 
of sofa) 

(Enter Tupper, a fat little page.) 

TUPPER. I say, Aurora, the missus is a'goin' to do 
the thing in style this afternoon, two fiddler blokes — an' 
a planner an' a programme o' the dances pinned up 
over the mantelpiece over 'ead. (picks up cigarette 
end off ash tray and smokes it) 

Aurora (down c). Lor, you don't say! An' printed 
invitations an' all. (takes card from, mirror) 'Ark at 
this! " Mrs. O'Hara requests the honor of Doctor 

Sheppard's company 

•■■---- 7 



8 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

TUPPER. 'E won't come back for that. I wish 'e 
would. 

AiTRORA. Why not, Tupper? Where's 'e gone? 
{comes c.) 

Tupper. Gie us a kiss, an' I'll tell yer. 

Aurora, (moving away) A kiss! There's bloomin' 
cheek! I never did! 

Tupper. (coming to her) Oh yes, you did — only 
larst Friday, an' it's Friday agin, an' what's more, it's 
Lady Day. 

Aurora, (innocently) Is it, Tupper? Well, as It's 
Lady Day. (ptits her cheek up, aside) It's all for 'im! 
(kiss Bus.) Now tell me. 

Tupper. 'E's gorn to get married, (goes down r. 
puffing cigarette hard) 

Aurora, (with concern) No, Tupper, don't say 
that! (changes her tone) I mean, 'ow do you know? 

Tupper. (turning round) Gie us another, an' I'll 
tell yer! 

Aurora. Go hon! 

Tupper. I will when I got summat to go hon with. 
(comes to her) 

Aurora. (impatiently) Oh, there, then! (kisses 
Mm. — aside) They're all for 'im! 

Tupper. Well, as you know, (gets on taMe) Aurora, 
the doctor's a wonderful gentle gentleman, as gentle as 
— well, there 'e is gentle! 

Aurora, (more impatiently) I knov/ that. I give 
you them kisses to tell me summat I don't know. 

Tupper. Well, I'm goin' to. When 'e was packing to 
go av/ay, 'e was that excited 'e couldn't 'ardly strap the 
bag. 

Aurora. Well, what o' that? A gentleman can get 
excited without gettin' married, yer silly kid! (goes 
to steps) 

Tupper. Ah, but 'e put on a new frock coat, an' a 
bran noo pair o' trarsers 

Aurora. The dear doctor! I'll bet 'e looked a toff! 
(start on steps) 

Tupper. An' then 'e 'ad a brandy and soda — wot for? 
(up to couch) 

Aurora. 'Cos 'e was thirsty, o' course, yer silly kite. 

Tupper. Thirsty! It was to bring 'im up to the 
scratch! 

Aurora, (aside) The scratch! My 'eart! My 'eart! 
(top of ladder) 

Tupper. I bet my buttons 'e's enj'ying 'is 'oneymoon 
in 'is noo clothes, an' forgotten all abart me an' mine. 
(up stage r.) 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 9 

Aurora, (curiously) Your noo clothes? 

TuppEK. Yes, I was loored into these under false 
pretences. When JMrs. O'Hara engaged me, she says 
she'd let orf 'er ground floor to a very risin' doctor. 

Aurora. So 'e is! The day ivill come, 'e'll be the 
most risin' — (gesticulates with feather-duster, on steps, 
nearly falls) 

TiTppER. Do you want to 'ear abart my trarsers, or 
do you not? (sits on couch) 

Aurora. Yes, Tupper, o' course I do — get 'em orf 
yer chest. 

Tupper. Well, Mrs. O'Hara, she sez, 'e'll find yer in 
clothes, she sez, an' think of all the gratooities 

Ai'uoRA. Great — who? 

Tupper. Gratooities from grateful patients — shillins 
an' 'arf-crowns, she sez. Well, we been at it three 
months to-day — 

Aurora, (sadly) An' not a blessed patient 'as called 
yet. (comes down) 

Tupper. No, but the tailor's called, lots o' times, 
an' larst time 'e was very cross — said 'e'd 'ave these 
clothes orf me if they wasn't paid for Lady Day. 
(crosses to r. of table) 

Aurora. Oh! the person! Never mind; the day ivill 
come. 

Tupper. The day 'as come! (takes up pile of letters) 

Ai^RORA. Well, never mind, look at all these — all 
from lady patients, (sits in Doctor's chair, puts on his 
eye-glasses) 

Tupper. (laughing) Lady patients! Why, they're 
bills. That's the butcher, (puts it down) An' that's 
the chemist. 

Aurora. Oh! 'e can read! 

Tupper. (puts it down) I know 'em all! (reads) 
"Cummerbund and Co., Tailors." Oh lor! That's me! 
(drops the pack suddenly) I call it downright selfish 
of the doctor to go away and never think of me. (pro- 
duces crumpled telegram from pocket) Oh, I forgot, 
this is for you! (hands it to her) 

Aurora. Silly kid! 

Tupper. Who's it from? Your young man? (reads 
wire over Ai'rora's shoulder) 

Aurora, (opening it) 'Arf a mo'! It's from the 
dear doctor. (aside) I'd know 'is 'andwriting any- 
wheres, it's sich a sorft 'and. (reads xvord for ivord) 
" Expect — me — back — at — half — past — four — 
and — please — have — my — tea — ready." 

Tupper. (counts words on his fingers — sadly) 



10 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

There's extravagance. Blues a tenpence on a telegram, 
an' my clothes owin' for. 

Aurora (aside) 'Ave 'is tea ready! That I will! 
As if I wouldn't 'ave it ready whenever 'e comes, bless 
'im! (stuffs telegram in bosom, then fusses about room, 
putting things straight, starts scouring bureau) 

TuppER. (icatching her) I believe you're in love 
with the " Dear Doctor." (picks another fag end off 
ash-tray and lies on couch stnoking it) 

Aurora. Oh, go smoke! Little boys should be seen 
and not heard! 

TuppER. Well, any'ow yer always tidyin' up 'is things 
an' neglectin' the missus, an' yer only 'arf 'is, yer know. 

(Front door bell rings.) 

Aurora, (snatches ladder quickly and goes to the door, 
saying to herself) 'Arf 'is, indeed! No! It's all for 'im — 
all for 'im! 

(Exit Aurora, l. tj. e.) 

TuppEE. (laughs) That's sure to be for the missus. 
She 'as lots o' callers. She's a widder. If I was a 
woman, I'd be a widder. (juTnps off couch) Oh lor, 
if it's the tailor, (crosses to fire, stands back to it, 
legs apart) I wouldn't mind so much, only I sold my 
old clothes to 'ave a bit on a dead cert, wot didn't 
come orf — dead certs never do — I wish my clothes was 
a dead cert. 

(Enter Aurora, followed by Pearl, then Ruby, then 
Plant, in single file. Tupper works behind arm-chair 
and gets up stage and puts out cigarette) 

Aurora, (aside) Our fust! (fussily shaking sofa 
cushions, standing behind sofa) Take your seats, 
please! (motions girls to sit) 

(Ruby sits r. of Pearl.) 

Make yourselves quite at home — and don't be frightened. 

(Girls turn round and stare at her.) 

'E'll treat yer kindly — 'e's got sich a sorft 'and! 
(soothingly to Ruby) Would yer like a cup o' tea, miss, 
to buck yer up? 

Ruby. No, thank you. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 11 

AuBOBA. (to Ruby) Oh, the doctor alius gives 'is 
ladies tea. 

(TUPPER, sitting on couch, 'bursts out laughing and 
shoves his handkerchief in his mouth.) 

Peabl. No, thank you. 

Plant, (looking round) Is the doctor out? 

AUBOEA. (bustling about dusting) Yes, sir. 

(Girls rise.) 

•—But 'e'll be back at 'arf past, if the ladies'll kindly 
wait. 

(Girls sit.) 

'E's been called orf to see a lady who couldn't wait. 

(TuppEB same Bus. — Aurora goes to him.) 

Plant, (coughs.) Ahem! That will do. (aside) 
Fancy setting up for a ladies' doctor in Pimlico! How 
can he earn bread and butter in Marmalade Street. No. 
13, too! 

Aurora, (to Tupper) 'Old yer row! They're lady 
patients. 'Appy girls! I wonder what they've got? 

TuppER. Nuffiin'. They're a bit off an right! (laughs) 

Aurora, (sadly) Are they, Tupper? Then why do 
they come 'ere? 

Plant, (aside) What has he done to deserve a 
rich aunt who has instructed me to draw up a deed 
settling a thousand a year on him? It's disgusting! 
(sits, head on hand) 

TuppER (sees Plant, head on hand — aside to 
Aurora) Oh, p'raps it's 'im! (comes to him) Any- 
thin' wrong with yer 'ead? (touches his hair) 

(Girls laugh — Plant looks dumbfounded.) 

Aurora. The doctor's wonderful clever for 'eads. 
(same Bus.) 

Plant. Don't do that! 

Tupper. Yus, 'e cured mine in a jiffy. I rekkem- 
mend 'im to all my friends. 

Plant. Ah, then I presume Doctor Sheppard has a 
large practice. 

Aurora, (cheerily) Oh yes, sir, 'e's alius practisin' 
^-'e practised all larst week on the milkman's baby. 



12 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

It 'ad the direfearier, sir, in its throat, and the doctor 
was afraid the cows'd catch it and spile the millt. 'E 
stopped up all night for a week nussin' that baby. 
(goes on scouring bureau) 

TuppER. Oh, he's a wonderful gentle gentleman, is 
the doctor. 

Plant, {aside) A "Gentle Sheppard! " Just what 
his rich aunt hopes to find him. I must get a word 
with Ruby. 

Ruby, {to Tupper) Ah, you hear what his grateful 
patients think of him. 

Tupper. {comes doivn) Grateful patients? {shakes 
head sadly) No, miss, not yet. 

Plant. You carry the medicine round, don't you? 

Tupper. No, sir, not yet. 

Pearl. But you're the doctor's boy, aren't you? 

Tupper. No, miss, not yet — only 'arf of me, the other 
'arf belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf 
where the stair-carpets begin; 'e shares me with the 
missus — an' 'e shares the gal too. 

Plant, {rises, coughs) Ahem! That will do! Is 
the room always so full of smoke? 

Aurora, {coming to him quickly) Oh yes, sir, wuss 
generally, {flaps wet flannel in his face) The doctor's 
a wonderful gentleman for smoke, 'e lies on that couch 
smokin' all day long, an' readin' this 'ere book, {fetches 
it) You look at it. {comes down c.) 

{Girls go up to her.) 

You can't make 'ead nor tail of it, 'cep' the pictures, an' 
they is — well, there! 

Plant. Ahem! That will do! {takes it from her 
before his daughters see it) What are the doctor's 
hours? 

Aurora. I dunno, sir — all hours. Sometimes out all 
day. Sometimes don't come home all night 

Plant. Ahem! That will do! 

Tupper. Wednesday 'e went out, an' ain't back yet. 

Ruby. Two days ago? That lady's case must be 
serious! {comes to back of sofa and sits l. end) 

Aurora. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. {confiden- 
tially) It's a case of 

Plant, {yells in her ear) Ahem! That will do! 

Aurora. Sorry I spoke! 

Plant. Very unusual for smoke to hang about for 
forty-eight hours. 

Tupper. Oh,that's nothin', sir. 'E's wonderful un- 
usual in 'is 'abits. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 13 

Aurora. 'As a biled egg for 'is dinner orfen. {to 
Ruby) 

Ruby, (to Peaul) Poor fellow! He must be starv- 
ing! 

(TuppER looks admiringly at Ruby, and goes to fire, 
stands back to it, legs apart.) 

Plant, (aside) " Poor fellow! " He'll be rich 
enough before the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's 
own daughter — but I mustn't betray a professional con- 
fidence. 

TuppER. (aside) Fine gels! {to Ruby) 'E'll be 
wonderful glad to see you, miss. 

Ruby. How do you know? 

TuppER. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' doctor, miss, 
an' you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. {aside) Bar 
the tailor. 

Ruby. The first? {to Pearl) He is starving! 

Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. {crosses 
to Plant) He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through 
you, sir, weskit an' all. 'E don't hax no hex rays to 
tell 'im. {to Ruby) 'E knows all what's goin' on in 
yer innards 

Plant. Ahem! That will do. Er — no doubt, no 
doubt. 

TuppER. No bloomin' doubt, sir. {going to him) 
But I do 'ope you'll pay afore leavin' — 'cos it's Lady Day, 
an these 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet — an' if they 
ain't — they're a-comin' orf. 

Plant. That'll do! We don't want to hear any fairy 
tales. 

Tupper. {sadly) There ain't no tails about these 
'ere. {looking at Ms jacket) It's a norrible fac'! 

Plant. You can go — {to Tupper) both of you. {to 
Aurora ) 

Aurora, {having fetched pail — to Tupper) Come 
aw'y, you talk too much. Fm the doctor's local demon 
when 'e's aw'y. 

{Exeunt Tupper and Aurora.) 

Plant. Nice sort of servants for a doctor to have. 
{puts book on couch) 

Pearl, {to Ruby, who is reading a letter) Who's 
that from? 

Ruby. Lieutenant Merry! 

Pearl. Oh, let me read it! 



14 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

(They read it together.) 

Plant, (aside) A thousand a year for an unbusi- 
ness-like young fool, and here am I, her own cousin's 
husband, and she's never given me a penny, except what 
I've borrowed. (Bus. with pocket hairbrush, mirror at 
back) I did thinli my chance had come when she sent 
for me to Cumberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch 
out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old 
girl, but as soon as she saw me she was very rude, 
called me a fright, and began asking some damned awk- 
ward questions about my late wife's trust money. Just 
my luck! (sits at writing table) 

Pearl, (reading from letter which Ruby holds) 
" And, my darling Ruby — if your father dies " — there's 
not much "if" about it. He does, (taps her hair) 
I've seen the bottle. 

(Both giggle.) 

Plant, (aside, looking in pocket mirror) So I took 
the next train back to Southsea, and romped my 
daughters up to town. If Ruby can only hook the 
doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm saved — if she can't — 
I'm — ahem! 

Rudy, (aside to Pearl) And only think, Pearl, 
when he's an Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry — perhaps 
a Duchess! 

Pearl. But, father 

Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a 
surprise for his birthday. 

Pearl. He'll be 63 next birthday — he looks more 
like 36. 

(Both laugh.) 

Plant, (to them) Stop that silly giggling! 
(crosses over to the tico, sends Pearl across to table) 
Go and sit over there. Ruby, my precious jewel, I have 
something very solemn to say while we are waiting to 
see the doctor. 

Ruby, (jumping up, excitedly) Pa, don't say you've 
brought us for the doctor to sound us. 

Pearl, (quietly, sitting still) He shan't sound me! 

Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound 
the doctor, (pulls Ruby down again and sits r. of her 
on couch) 

Ruby, (excitedly) What about? 

Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers 
to Doctor Sheppard, he is our cousin. 



OH ! SUSANNAH I Iff 

Ri'RY. Second cousin, pa! 

Pearl. On mother's side. 

Ruby. Three times' removed. 

Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far re- 
moved in the future. I regret very deeply that we have 
never yet enjoyed the friendship of — er — dear cousin 
Jack. 

Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not 
worth while to cultivate any of our poor relations. 

Plant, (hotly) Do you want your pocket money 
stopped? The fact is. Pearl, you're bringing my grey 
hairs (stroking his blade locks) 

Pearl, (quietly) Your what? 

Plant, (jumping up) I stop your pocket money 
for a month! Ooh! (puts his hand to his back) This 
lumbago is unbearable. When a man gets to my time of 
life 

Pearl, (quietly) What time is it now? 

Plant, (hotly) I stop your pocket money for 
three months! 

Pearl, (rises) Really, father, a solicitor should be 
more cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, 
(points to clock and crosses to couch — stands behind 
Ruby) and you have not yet informed us of the " very 
solemn " something you have to say. 

Plant. I accept your explanation — without prejudice. 
(stands r. of couch) I say when a man gets to my tin:o 
of life — the future happiness of his offspring becomes- 
an all-engrossing theme. You are aware that when ex- 
alted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, 
they never look outside the family. Living as we do, 
in so fashionable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too 
— er — " tony " in such important matters. Now you are 
both — as I know, being your father — heart-free. 

(Pearl digs Rx^by hard in the ribs.) 

Ruby, (crying out) Oh! 

Plant. How dare you interrupt me! 

Ruby. I didn't, pa, it was 

Pearl. Sneak! (pinching her arm) 

Ruby. It was nothing! 

(Pearl sits in big armchair.) 

(aside to Pearl) Little cat! 

Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. 
You have heard from that stupid Buttons what a noble 
character the doctor bears, and no man is a hero to 



16 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

his — his Buttons. The one thing the doctor wants is a 
wife. 

Peael. To look after his buttons? 

Plant. Silence, miss! And you, my dear Ruby, my 
favourite, I mean my first-born, have all the qualifica- 
tions for a doctor's wife. 

Ruby. A doctor's wife? (looks at Pearl) 

Plant. It has always been the dream of my life to 
see you united in matrimony to dear Jack. 

Ruby. Cheap Jack! He hasn't a penny! 

Plant. Oh hasn't he? — er — (aside) Nearly let it 
out that time, (to her) I mean should he be clever 
enough to win my Ruby, my Ruby mine — er — this after- 
noon, he will be rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Alas, 
I have no dowry to give you, save the blessing of your 
dear old — your dear fond, fond father. (kisses her 
forehead) But only obey me in this, and Lady Fortune 
will smile on us all — smile — smile. 

Ruby, (hursts into tears) I can't smile — I won't! 
(turns to Pearl) 

Pearl, (comes to meet her — aside to her) Of course 
you won't — I'll get you out of it. 

Plant, (angrily) Stop that silly crying. He'll be 
in soon, and you look a perfect fright with your eyes 
all red. You've never obeyed me in your life — either 
of you — but I've made up my mind this time, and 
damme — I'll make you obey me. I swear that dear 
cousin Jack shall be my son-iyi-laio. (crosses c. ) 

Pearl, (going quietly to him, standing beticeen him 
and Ruby) If such is your determination, / will sacri- 
fice myself. 

Plant, (contempt^iously) You! 

Ruby, (rushing to Pearl) You shan't! 

Pearl. I will — what is it after all? Marriages aren't 
made in heaven now-a-days. 

Ruby. No, no. Pearl, you're too good. I'd rather 
marry him myself. 

Pearl. You can't — you know you can't — you're en- 
gaged. 

Ruby. Sneak! (pinches her arm) 

(Pearl howls.) 

Plant, (shouts) Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry be- 
tween sisters is most unseemly. What do I dress you 
alike for? 

Pearl. To save expense. 

Plant. No, miss, to save jealousy, and I'll have no 
jealousy about this. Settle it amicably between you. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 17 

(aside, crosses to r.) Good idea! They'll go it faster 
wittiout me. I'll leave 'em alone with him. (aloud) 
Dear, dear, I've forgotten something I particularly want 
to show Jack. I'll step over to our apartments 

Ruby. Pa, you can't leave us alone in a bachelor's 
room! 

Plant. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to 
one. Now, remember, one of you two must marry Jack 
— that's my last word, and you know my word, like ray 
profession, is law! 

(Exit Plant.) 

Pearl. We've got a nice thing in fathers, (looking 
out of window) He's brought us up to London to put 
us on the market. 

Ruby. Yes, and by a cheap excursion. (goes l. ) 

Pkarl. Now we know why we've come to encamp just 
across the street — it's to lay siege to a penniless cousin. 
(picks up " Quayle on Muscles " off couch, takes it to 
table) 

Ruby, (at sinall table up stage l., opens case, shrieks) 
Ach! knives! 

Pearl, (looks up from hook) You wouldn't do for a 
doctor's wife, whatever Pa says. (looks at picture) 
Besides, you're not free, but I am. (sadly) 

Ruby. Pearl, there's Waverly! (coming to her, looking 
over her shoulder at picture) 

Pearl. Yes, there's Waverly, but he's (turns to next 
picture) most disappointing. He's been staying at 
Southsea with Lieutenant Merry for a whole week, 
(turns page) and father's been away the whole time. 
(turns page) And I've given him every possible en- 
couragement, (looks at picture) At least, of course I 
didn't go so far as you did with Lieutenant Merry. 
You were — simply — (turns page) 

Ruby, (looking at picture) Shocking! (shuts book 
and puts it back on couch) 

Pearl. Yes, you xoere! (laughs) 

Ruby. How dare you! I never gave Andrew the 
slightest encouragement, (sits on sofa) 

Pearl. My dear Ruby, I judge by results. He pro- 
posed to you the second day. (comes and sits by her on 
sofa) 

Ruby. What about you? You let Waverly kiss you. 

Pearl. Only once — just there; (touches her cheek) 

and that was after a dance, which doesn't count. No, 

I've gone as far with Mr. Vane as any girl, who isn't a 

born flirt, (pointedly looking at Ruby) can go, and he's 

2 



18 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

said nothing — yet. So I'm going to get father to invite 
Doctor Sheppard down to Southsea, and I'll flirt des- 
perately with him. 

(Ruby crosses c.) 

You see, I shall be obeying father — I shall get you out 
of your difficulty, and it will force Waverly to say some- 
thing — definite, (sits on the word) 

Ruby. Oh, Pearl! What a clever idea! (thinks) 
Andrew hasn't been quite so attentive since I accepted 
him. And, as you say, dear papa must be obeyed, so I'll 
flirt with Doctor Sheppard too, before Andrew — it'll do 
him a world of good. 

Pearl. Doctor Sheppard! 

Ruby. No, Andrew, of course. Oh, Pearl, I wonder 
how they're getting on without us? Do they ever talk 
about us, do you think? 

Pearl. Of course they do — everybody talks about us — 
in Southsea. 

Andrew, (heard off) Not in? P'raps he's got a pa- 
tient, (laughs) 

Ruby. It's Andrew! How do I look? (jumps up and 
looks in mirror) 

(Pearl tries to pull her away from it — Enter Andrew 
followed hy Wa\'erly.) 

Waverly. (looking at girls' backs and nudges An- 
drew) P'raps he's got two patients. 

Andrew. Oh, Susannah! (takes double stethoscope off 
table, aside to Waverly) Let's have a lark. I'll pre- 
tend to be the doctor. 

Waver. No, no, never joke about business, (scuffles 
to get stethoscope) 

(Ruby looks round.) 

Andrew. Ruby! (goes to her with outstretched arms) 

(Pearl looks round.) 

Waver, (aside) Pearl! Oh, lor! (goes down r.) 
Pearl, (coyly) Mr. Vane! What attraction has brought 
you all the way from Southsea? (follows him) 

(Wan^rly looks confused.) 

Anprew. (to Ruby) What's brought you? We called 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 19 

at Clarence Parade this morning and found that you'd 
flown up to London by the excurs — the early train, so 
we thought what a lark it'd be to run up on the chance 
of meeting you. 

Waveb. We didn't expect to find you at the doctor's. 

Andrew. No. (to Ruby, anxiously) Are you ill? 

Ruby, (laughing) No. 

Wavee. (to Pearl, wearily) Don't say it's you. 

Pearl. I'm never ill. What's the matter with you? 

Waver. I've only come with Andretv. (tries to cross 
to Andrew) 

(Pearl pulls him hack.) 

Ruby, (screams) Oh Andrew, then it's you.'.'! What's 
the matter with you? 

Andrew, (laughing) Nothing! Sound me if you like. 
(offers stethoscope) 

Ruby. But ivhy have you come to see a doctor? 

Andrew, (laughs) I haven't — I've brought Vane to in- 
troduce him to my old school-fellow, dear old, serious, 
studious, short-sighted, absent-minded Jack Sheppard. 

Ruby and Pearl, (together) You know Jack? 

Waver, and Andrew, (surprised) Jack? 

Ri'BY. Cousin Jack! Didn't you know? 

Andrew. No, you never told us you had any cousins. 
What a lark! Jack's my greatest friend — because we're 
such opposites, I suppose. I call him Dull Boy, because 

"all work and no play makes Jack " see? Rather 

smart for me, and he calls me " Merry Andrew " — 
Andrew Merry — Merry Andrew — see? Oh, that was 
jolly smart for Jack — only joke he ever made. 

(Ruby sits on couch — Andrew behind couch.) 

Wa\-er. Why have you never mentioned his name? 

Ri BY. We haven't seen him since he was a little boy 
in kilts. 

Pearl. We saw lots of him then, we were both of us 
awfully in love with him. 

RiBY. And we're longing to see him again! (point- 
edly) 

Andrew, (laughing) Oh, are you? Well, I shan't be 
jealous of serious old Jack. 

Ruby, (aside) Oh, won't you? 

(Ruby and Pearl exchange looks, smiling.) 
;Waveb. Where is he? 



20 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Ruby, {quickly) He won't be back till half-past — 
{coyly) How shall we kill time? 

Andrew. I know, come and shoot tin dickie-birds at 
the Aquaiiiim — I must have exercise. 

Ruby. Oh, what fun! Come along! 

{Exeunt Ruby and Andrew.) 

Waver, {breaking away — aside) I shall never have the 
pluck to break it to her that I've got engaged to another 
girl. 

Pearl, {looking at door, then at Waverly, drops her 
eyes) Well! 

Waver, {stands facing audience, back to writing table 
— to her) Miss Plant, there's something I want to say 
to you — something — I — I — I don't know how to say it. 

Pearl, {coquettishly) Then don't say it. Write me 
a little note, {taps his arm, goes to table, holds up note- 
paper and pen) 

Waver. Thanks awfully! {sits and writes) 

(Pearl walks away.) 

{Pauses, aside, alarmed) Does she mean business? She's 
not a lawyer's child for nothing. She might make a 
Breach of Promise out of this, {tears up letter and 
pockets the pieces) I'd better blurt it out. {goes to her) 
I say, it's not — er — it's not that. 

Pearl. Not what? 

Waver. I mean — er — {absently takes from his pocket 
a kodak made like a large turnip watch, and fumbling 
nervously with it) I mean I've been and got — er — I've 
been and got 

Pearl. A watch? 

Waver. No. {aside) But it'll gain time, thank good- 
ness. 

Pearl. What is it? Do tell me. 

Waver. A detective camera that defies detection. 

Pearl, {rises) Oh, what fun! {takes it from him) 
Let's go and take snap-shots at Andrew and Ruby when 
they're not looking, then they shall take us — when we're 
not looking, {takes his arm) 

{Enter Tupper.) 

Waveb. {aside) She does mean business. 

{Exeunt Waverly and Pearl.) 

Tdppeb. {looking after them) I don't like the look 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 21 

of those two gents, (takes cigarette end oft ash-tray, 
lights it) They've gorn and eloped with the fust two 
customers we've 'ad. [lies on operating couch) Oh, well, 
I don't interfere with other people's business. I got 
enough to do to look after my own. 

(Enter Doctor in high hat, frock coat, overcoat, carrying 
a Gladstone bag, looks as if he had something on his 
wind. ) 

(Jumping off couch) I am glad to see you back, sir. 

Doctor. Thank you, Tupper — a kind boy — unpack 
these, (hands him bag) 

TuppER. (finds bag very heavy, drops it down by 
bureau, opens bottom drawer, looks in, aside) Empty — 
must 'ave pawned the lot to buy the noo ones, (takes 
out pile of books and papers and one collar) I wonder 
if 'e's spliced, 'e looks un'appy enough. I'll arsk 'im. 
(chucks books, MS8., collar, etc., into draiver, anyhow, 
crosses on tiptoe to Doctor) 'Ave yer brought 'er with 
yer, sir? 

Doctor, (suinging round on revolving chair facing 
TuppER, who has backed to bureau alarmed) Don't talk, 
I'm busy! (opening his letters — aside) Can that boy 
have guessed? No, how could he? (picks up Cummer- 
bund's letter) 

Tupper (aside) 'E's got the letter! (closes drawer) 

Doctor, (throwing doicn letters savagely) Bills, bills, 
bills — nothing but bills! (walks up and doivn shying 
things about) 

Tupper (aside, stealing out on tiptoe) It's my last 
day out o' bed, I know it is. 

(Exit Tupper.) 

Doctor, (takes card out of mirror) " Sir Peter and 

Lady Quayle request the pleasure " That's what 

did it, that dinner of Quayle's. Sir Peter told me over 
dessert, that for the first six months after he started 
in practice, he was starving. Then he met a young 
governess who was starving too, and with what their 
friends called " sublime imprudence " they got married. 
And he never looked behind him after. Then he said if 
I meant to get on as a gynaecologist, I must get married. 
" Your wife will prove a mascotte like mine did," he 
said, " and patients will flow in — simply flow in." Well, 
I believe in Quayle. That was Tuesday night; on 
Wednesday I ran down to Lowesloft, proposed to Flo on 
Thursday, we were secretly married this morning at the 



22 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Registry Office, she's gone back to her people, and I've 
come back to town; and what do I find? Nothing but 
bills, and I can't pay one of them. After settling for 
the special license, my fare back to town, and that tele- 
gram to Aurora, {feels in pocket, produces coppers) 
I've got sevenpence half-penny in the wide world and a 
wife! It's all Quayle's fault! Damn Quayle! I'll never 
believe in him again. I don't even know where my next 
meal is coming from, {ivalks up and down) 

(Enter Aurora loith the tea — goes to small tea-tahle.) 

Aurora. "Ere's yer tea, sir. I was glad to get your 
telegram. Mrs. O'Hara was getting quite anxious about 
you. 

Doctor, (aside) About her rent, more lilvely. 

Aurora. She wondered where you'd got to, but I knew, 
sir. 'Ow is the pore lady? Do you think she'll get 
over it. Doctor? 

Doctor. Don't talk, my good girl, I'm busy, (cuts 
bread) 

Aurora (getting heliind couch — aside) " 'Is good girl," 
that I am, it's all for 'im. I know 'e's starving. 'B 
goes for that stale quartern like the pore prodigal gen- 
tleman with the 'usks, but I've got a treat for 'im, that 
there card put it in my 'ead. (points to Quayle's card 
in mirror) I've bought 'im a beautiful bird, that'll give 
'im a relish, (to Doctor) Couldn't you fancy something 
light with yer tea, sir? (back of couch) 

Doctor. Yes, I think I could — I'll finish that tin of 
potted pig I left, (rises, gets c.) 

Aurora (aside) My stars! An' Tupper's ate it! 

Doctor, (opens draiver of bureau) Hullo! It's gone! 

Aurora, (to him) G-gone bad, sir. 

Doctor, (suspiciously) Gone bad? 

Aurora. Yes, sir, an' I've fr — fr — 

Doctor. Fried it? 

Aurora. No, sir, frowed it away! 

Doctor. All of it? (goes to medicine chest) 

Aurora. Yes, sir, all of it. (one step back, nods hard) 

Doctor, (aside) She's eaten it. (to her) Aurora, 
show me your tongue. H'm! you'd better take this. 
(pours out a draught) 

Aurora, (aside, rapturously) 'Is patient at larst! 
(takes it) Thank you. sir. (gasps) I've touched 'is 'and. 

Doctor. You won't like it. 

Aurora. I will, sir, if I die arter it. (aside) I'm in 
seven 'eavens already! (drinks, pulls an awful face)_ 
It's all for 'im! 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 23 

(Doctor puts glass hack. Aurora takes big lump of 
sugar from tea-table.) 

Doctor, (seriously) You might have died of ptomaine 
poisoning, eating that decayed tinned stuff. {c7-osses to 
sofa, sits again) 

Aurora. Oh, sir, I never touched a mossel. {big lump 
in her cheek) 

Doctor, {surprised) You didn't eat it? 

Aurora. Not me, sir! I ain't no thief! {takes an- i 
other lump) ' 

Doctor, {smiles) Well, never mind. That won't hurt 
you. 

Aurora. Please, sir, {looking at him fondly — hesi- 
tatingly) Mrs. O'Hara, she arsked me to say — as it's 
Lady day, would you allow 'er 

Doctor. I know — something on account. 

Aurora. Oh, no, sir — would you allow her to send up 
a beautiful bird for yer tea? 

Doctor. No, thanks, I — I've just dined, {eats raven- 
ously) 

Aurora, {aside) Lord forgive 'im. {watches him 
eating) 

Doctor, {aside) Mrs. O'Hara has tried that dodge 
before, but I'm not taking any. 

Aurora. I'm sure you'd like it, sir, it's a quail on 
toast. 

Doctor, {aside, jumping up) Quail on toast! Damn 
it! Do you want to drive me mad? {shouts to her) No! 
Go! {sits and pours out another cap) 

Aurora, {aside) No go. 'E don't love me, or 'e 
wouldn't say that? 

(Bell rings.) 

Oh, that bell! {comes back and quickly removes the 
things) 

Doctor, {still holding teapot in left hand) What are 
you doing now? 

Aurora. Clearing away, sir, in case it's for you. 

{Exit Aurora with tea-tray.) 

Doctor. What's she done that for? I wish Flo was 
here to look after me. It was hard to leave her at 
Lowestoft, {takes photo from pocket, stands it up before 
him on table) Dear little Flo! The one girl I've loved 
all my life! {arm outstretched, teapot in l. hand) To 
think that you're my wife at last! {slowly closing his 



24 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

arms) My wife! {hugging teapot, yowls) It seems too 
good to be true. And where are the patients Quayle 
said would flow in? Simply flow in! (loaves teapot, tea 
goes all over the stage) Hello! its flowing out. 

(Enter Plant.) 

(loudly) I say, where are my patients? (loudly, coming 
down stage, not seeing Plant) 

Plant, (more loudly) And I say where are my daugh- 
ters? 

Doctor, (seeing Mm) My first! Quayle's right, after 
all. (comes to Plant, teapot in hand, assumes profes- 
sional air) Good afternoon, won't you sit down? (seats 
himself and writing table, puts teapot on blotter. He is 
always absent-minded when absorbed in his science) 
Now! (earnestly) What can I do for you? What's the 
trouble, eh? 

Plant, (aside) Well, upon my word, he's a cool cus- 
tomer, (stands r. of table) 

Doctor. Come, come, let's hear what it is, or how 
I can help you; you know I'm in the habit of hearing 
confidences, (sees teapot, puts it under table) 

Plant, (indignantly) Sir, I'm a father! 

Doctor, (boiving) Sir, I congratulate you. (writes 
*' Father'' on note pad — to Plant cheerfully) Is it a boy 
or a girl? 

Plant, (hotly) Two girls, sir. 

Doctor. Dear, dear, I sympathize with you. (makes a 
note "two girls") Mother doing well? 

Plant, (gesticulating wildly) The mother's dead, sirli 

Doctor, (icith sympathy) Ah, now I understand your 
agitation, (makes note) And the twins — are they well? 

Plant, (wildly) Damn it, sir, they're not twins, and 
I've lost 'em. 

Doctor. Dear, dear! (aside) Lost his wife and both 
the poor little babies, (icriting on note pad) 

Plant, (chokingly) Only half an hour ago, and I've 
come to you 

Doctor, (putting up his hand) No, no, if your own 
Doctor won't grant a certificate, it's no use coming to 
me. (tears up notes) 

Plant. I tell you I left 'em here, on this sofa. 

Doctor, (rises indignantly) On my sofa! Then you'd 
no business to. How dare yt)u leave the poor things 
lying on my sofa? Where are they? (looking under 
sofa cushions) 

Plant. Hang it, sir, that's what I've come to ask you. 
What have you done with them? 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 25 

{Enter Tuppeb.) 

TuppEK (to Doctor) Please, sir, Mrs. O'Hara says 

(hands him her account hook) 

Plant, (seizing Tuppeb) Where are my daughters? 
(crosses c, shaking Tupper — threatening him ivith big 
stick ) 

Tupper. I dunno, sir — give it up. 

Plant. No prevarications! You saw the two young 
ladies. 

Doctor, (surprised) Two young ladies! I see now! 

Tupper. Are you their father, sir? I didn't think you 
was old enough. 

Plant, (pleased, releases him, pats his head) Good 
lad! (crosses doivn l. ) 

Doctor. Where have they gone, Tupper? 

Tupper. I dunno, sir — they was fetched. 

Plant. Fetched? Who by? (rushing at Tuppeb 
furiously) 

Tupper. I dunno, sir, two gentlemen — they didn't leave 
no name, they simply come, saw the ladies — and carried 
'em off. 

(Bus. — Plant threatening Tupper — Tuppeb arm up.) 

(Exit Tuppeb quickly.) 

Doctor, (aside) Just my luck — lost two cases! 

Plant. A plot, sir — a vile plot — whoever the scoun- 
drels are, they shall pay heavily for this wounded 
heart. 

Doctor, (seriously) Heart? Cardiac? (hand on Plant's 
heart, listens) 

Plant, (half crying, on Doctor's arm) My precious 
jewels! Two dear girls. Doctor, who have never caused 
me a moment's uneasiness all their blessed lives. 

Doctor. Apparently not. Hadn't you 'better go and 
look for them? 

Plant, (excitedly walks up and down) Ah, you are 
not a father 

Doctor, (aside, looking through microscope) Hope 
not — only married this morning. 

Plant. or you couldn't stand there unmoved. I 

am struck down in the flower of my days; this is a 
stroke, sir, a fatal stroke. Ach! (cries out with pain — 
puts hands to his back) 

Doctor. That's not a stroke — that's lumbago. 

Plant, (hotly) Hang it, sir, I speak in parables — I'm 
not a patient! 



£6 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Doctor. Not a patient! Then what do you come here 
for? Parables are no good to me. I've got my living 
to earn! {rings hell) Good afternoon! 

{Enter Aurora.) 

Aurora. 'Ere's a letter for you, sir. 

Doctor, {taking it) Thanks, and show this gentleman 
out. 

Aurora. Very good, sir, we are busy to-day, sir. {to 
Plant) This way out. {at door) 

Plant, {to Doctor) You little know whom you are 
insulting. Some day, sir, your eyes will be opened — 
and you will discover that the country cousin — 

(Aurora listens and mimics him.) 

' — whom you spurned from your door, was none other 
than a fairy prince, who will this very day lift you 
from the slough of grovelling poverty to the realms of 
affluence and prosperity. Good day, sir! 

(Aurora crosses and exits behind Plant.) 

Doctor, {alone) "This very day" — "Affluence and 
prosperity " — " fairy prince " — oh, he's off his dot! 
{looks at postmark) "Ambleside." Why, it's from 
{rises and crosses l.) Aunt Susannah! "My dear 
Nephew: I have heard glowing accounts of your suc- 
cess." My success! " I long to see my brilliant nephew 
— I'm coming up to London to-morrow." To-morrow 
— to-morrow, {looks at calandar) that's Saturday, good 
job it's not to-day. Mrs. O'Hara's got an Irish party 
on upstairs and Aunt Susie's so awfully quiet she can't 
stand the slightest noise, {reads) " It is my constant 
joy to know that you are devoting your days — and I 
daresay many of your nights — to the noble work of alle- 
viating human suffering." {looks at her picture — reads) 
" I mean to do all that my money can do to help you to 
pursue your glorious profession with everything in your 
favor. Its too good to be true! {rises) No, it isn't 
Quayle's right again! Flo has brought me luck, and on 
our wedding day! {pause) The very day! That's what 
that silly old man with the dyed hair meant. By Jove! 
he is a fairy prince! Oh, Flo, Flo, what a honeymoon 
we'll have! {dances all over the room with delight, 
seizing a sofa cushion to dance with) 



OH! SUSANNAH! 17 

{Enter Aurora, followed by Ruby, Pearl, Waverly and 
Andrew in single file.) 

Aurora. The Doctor'Il see you directly. Take your 
seats, please. 

(Ruby and Pearl sit on couch, Ruby l. of Pearl; An- 
drew and Waverly r. c, laughing.) 

TABLEAU. 

Doctor, (stops dancing suddenly — aside) Quayle's 
right again! They're flowing in, simply flowing in! 
(sits at table — to Waverly dow7i r.) Good afternoon. 
Won't you sit down? 

(Wa\-erly sits o. p. corner.) 

Now what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh? 

Andrew, (behind Doctor, slaps him on back, laugh- 
ing) What do you take us for, Dull Boy? 

Doctor, (turning round) Why, it's Merry Andrew! 

Andrew. Of course it is! How are you? This is Mr. 
Vane, old friend of mine. 

Waver, (other side of Doctor) How are you? (shakes 
hands) 

Doctor, (between them) Not a patient? (to Andrew) 
Who are the ladies? 

Waver. Don't you know your own cousins? 

Doctor, (mystified) Cousins, what cousins? 

Ruby, (coming down l. of him — Andrew gives loay) 
Second cousins. 

Pearl, (coming down r. of him — Waver, gives way) 
On mother's side. 

Doctor. / know, you're the Plants from Southsea? 
But how could I recognise you? I haven't seen you for 
so long. 

Pearl, (making eyes at Doctor) We hope to see you 
every day now; we're in town for a week. 

Doctor, (aside) What does she make eyes at me like 
that for? 

Ruby. Yes, just across the road — dear Jack! 

Doctor, (aside) "Dear Jack?" This is very sudden! 
(to them) Er — have some tea? (rings bell on table) 

Pearl. Oh, thank you. I love tea. 

(Girls go to sofa — Boys follow.) 

Wavebley Andrew 

Peabl Ruby. 



28 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

(Enter Aurora.) 

Doctor. Some more tea, please, Aurora — hot, strong 
and quick! 

Aurora. Yes, sir — hot, strong and quick, (dives under 
knee-hole of table) 

Doctor. What are you doing there? 

Aurora, (coming through) Getting out the teapot, sir. 

TABLEAU. 
(Exit Aurora.) 

Doctor, (hack of sofa, to Ruby) And have you come 
up from Portsmouth with Merry Andrew? 

Ruby, (confused) No — of course not, my dear Jack! 

Doctor. But aren't you — eh? 

Andrew, (laughs) You've guessed it in once. Dull Boy! 
But it's a secret. 

Doctor, (pleased) I'm never wrong in a diagnosis. 
(shakes hands with Andrew) I congratulate you. (looks 

at Pearl) And you and Mr. Vane are (shaking hands 

with Wavekly) I congratulate you 

(Pearl shakes her head.) 

Er — I mean I beg your pardon. 

Waver. Don't mention it. 

Andrew. You were having a jolly good caper when we 
came in; what's up? 

Doctor. She's coming! (waves hand vaguely towards 
picture cind sits on sofa betioeen girls) 

(Enter Aitrora with tea.) 

Andrew, (laughing) Oh, yoxCve got a " she," have you? 
You dog! (hack at sofa) 

Aurora, (aside) 'E"s got a she! (gasps audibly) 

Rudy. Dear Jack! 

Andrew, (to her) Here, not so much of your "dear 
Jack! " 

Ruby. Don't be absurd, Andrew, he's my cousin. 

(Andrew goes c.) 

I congratulate you with all my heart, dear Jack! (kisses 
him) 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 29 

(AuEORA gasps again, louder.) 

Pearl. And I congratulate you too! (kisses him) 

(AcRORA gasps a third time, loudest, and puts tray on tea- 
table, upsetting milkjug onto tray. Takes everything 
off tray quickly, pours spilt milk hack into jug, wipes 
tray and mops milk off floor with apron, goes to fire 
and wrings out apron in fireplace.) 

Doctor, {rises, goes up) You've got something on your 
chest, Aurora 

Aurora. Yes, sir. (takes out loaf of bread and puts it 
on the table) 

Doctor. I must give you a tonic. 

Aurora, (tvith fervour) Oh, do, sir. (goes c, aside) 
'Is patient again! I wonder what colour it'll be this 
time? (to Doctor as he ha7ids her the draught) Will 
this 'ere mix with that there, sir? (pointing at it) 

Doctor, (snatching it back) No, I'm hanged if it will! 
(puts it down) 

Aurora (aside) I was a little silly to speak. I did 
want to touch 'is 'and again. 'E's got sich a sorft 'and! 

(Exit Aurora, sadly.) 

Ruby. And what is your lady-love like? 

Doctor, (pointing to Aunt's picture) That! 

Pearl. Oh, isn't she pretty! (looks at Ruby grim- 
acing) Who is she? 

Doctor. My maiden aunt Susannah! 

Andrew. Oh, Susannah! Now you're having a lark 
with us. 

Doctor. No, I'm not — I leave larking to you. She's 
coming to-morrow. 

Waver. To-morrow? We've got a box at the Hippo- 
drome; you must come and bring your aunt. 

AxDREW. Yes, we'll trot her round. 

(Doctor handing cigarettes to Andrew, who hands them 
to Waverly, and Waverly to girls.) 

Doctor. No, no, she's not a trotter. She lives at 
Ambleside, and she's awfully quiet. 

XPeabl takes a cigarette from Waverly, strikes match 
on her shoe, lights it.) 

She'd think a visit to the Ballad Concerts was reckless 



30 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

dissipation, and if slie saw a girl riding a bicycle or 
smoking a cigarette she'd saj'^ — {sees Ruby and Peari. 
■ — stops confused) I — I — don't know what she'd say. 

Andrew, (roars and slaps Mm on the back) Just 
the same serious old Jack. You must come out with 
Vane and me to-night. 

(Doctor lorithes ivlien Andrew slaps him.) 

Waver. Yes, we'll paint London red for you — it's the 
season for spring-cleaning. 

Doctor. With pleasure, but mind you, no larks after 
to-night. I know what a fellow you are for practical 
jokes, but if you played any joke on auntie, I'd never 
forgive you. She's one of the best, and I want her to 
enjoy her visit in her own quiet way. (looks through 
microscope) 

Andrew. So she shall, old fellow! We'll take her to 
the Zoo to see the lions fed. 

Pearl. That tvill be quiet! 

(All laugli.) 

Doctor. (aside) Where's that specimen? (rings 
tell) Oh, I remember, in there-;— (poinds to door r. i. e., 
to them) Will you excuse me for a moment? 

(Exit R. U. E.) 

(Andrew crosses to sofa. Pearl jmlls Waverly on to 
sofa. The Quartette sit around tea-table, talking and 
laughing. ) 

(Enter Aurora.) 

Aurora, (aside) Where's the dear doctor ? What 
have they done with him? 

Andrew. (idIio has his arm round Ruby, aside to 
Waverly) Lend me your detective camera? 

Aurora, (aside) Detective? I'm in this — it's all 
for 'im! (hides behind operating couch) 

WxvER. Here, no larks, Merry Andrew, what do you 
want it for? (nervously indicating that Pearl's taken 
his arm and put it round her waist) 

Andrew, (with smothered laughter) I'll show you! 
(takes it from him) 

(Waverly nervous tries to get his arm away — Andrew 
takes snap-shot at Aunt's picture, Aurora watching, 
her eyes just above couch.) 

All over]. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! ZX 

(Aurora bobs doivn.) 

Ruby. What's the joke? 

Andrew. I'm going to that wig-maker fellow to get 
him to make me up just like this snap-shot of that 
picture, he'll do it in half an hour, dress and all. I'll 
come back before you're gone, and Jack'll think I'm 
his " she." 

Aurora, (aside) Will he? Not if I can help it! 
{bobs down) 

Andrkw. And you'll all be larking and smoking and 
kicking up no encl of a row, and poor old Jack's serious 
face'll be a study. 

Attrora. (aside) Will he? I'll learn you to make 
fun of the dear doctor, see if I don't! (creeps to door) 

(Exit Aurora, unobserved.) 

(Re-enter Doctor — Waverly icithdraios his arm sud- 
denly. Pearl puts it back.) 

Pearl, (to Doctor) Jack? 

(Doctor doesn't hear, absorbed in microscope.) 

Jack, dear, has any one been here while we were away? 
(toying with Waverly's hand) 

Doctor, (still looking through microscope) Only a 
silly old lunatic with dyed hair and a touch of lumbago. 

Ruby and Pearl, (jumping up suddenly) Father! 

(Andrew sits on couch tvith Wa\^rly.) 

Doctor, (aside) Oh, lor! (aloud) I'm awfully sorry 
I didn't know he was your father, he said he was a fairy 
prince. 

Pearl. How like him! (laughs) 

Ruby. Where's he gone? 

Doctor. To look for someone — I think it was you. 
(points to Waverly and Andrew) 

Pearl. Had he his big walking stick? (seriously) 

Doctor, (nods) He had! He practised with it on 
Tupper. 

Andrew and Waver, (together, rising) I think we 
had better be going now. 

Rudy, (to Andrew) Yes, do, you don't know papa 
when he's roused. 



32 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

(Waverly looks around nervously and goes up.) 

Andrew. Oh, I'm not afraid, but I've an appointment. 
{winking and smiling) 

Ruby, (smiling) With a lady? (pointing at pic- 
ture) 

Andrew, (smiling) Yes! 

Waver. I'll come with you, I'd like to see her. 

Andrew. Right! Shan't be long. Jack, and when we 
come back we're going to take you out to have one 
jolly good caper for the last, (slaps him hard on 
back.) 

Doctor, (absently) The last before auntie comes. 

Andrew, (laughing and nudging Waver.) As you 
say, before auntie comes. 

(Exit Andrew and Waverly.) 

Pearl, (to Ruby) He's looking at us! Suppose he's 
fallen in love with us! 

Ruby. He mustn't for worlds — father would accept 
him at once! 

Pearl, (to Ruby) We must be very distant cousins 
now. 

(Girls sit on sofa.) 

Doctor, (aside) I'm no match for the two of 'em. 
(sits on couch between girls — cheerily) Now make 
yourselves quite at home, let me give you some more 
tea? (to Ruby.) 

Ruby, (freezingly) No, thank you. (moves to arm- 
chair) 

(Pearl goes to tvindow and looks out.) 

Doctor, (c, aside) Very sudden change! What have 
I done? 

Pearl, (looking out of window) Father's back! 

(Bell rings. Ruby and Pearl rush back and sit one on 
each side of Doctor, cuddling close to him, each 
holding one of his harids.) 

Doctor, (to them) Father's back? Oh, yes, I know, 
lumbago! I'll cure it. 

(Enter Plant.) 

Plant. Ah, here you are, my precious jewelsl 



OH : SUSANNAH ! 33 

(Doctor rises, girls rise vnth him, still holding his 
hands.) 

Sir, accept a father's thanks! 

{Holds out his hand, ichich Doctor cannot take — Bus. 
then girls release him — shaking Doctor's hand.) 

Forgive my harshness this afternoon — a father's feel- 
ings, you know. 

Doctor. On the contrary, you ought to forgive me — • 
I know now how much I owe you — my fairy prince! 

(Girls laugh and sit on sofa.) 

Plant, (quickly) Hush! Not before the girls! (goes 
to them, stands back of sofa) RIy precious jewels, 
ho V thankful I am to find you safe and well, (aside) 
I'll give it you when I get you home. I know all! 
(to Doctor) Two dear girls, doctor, who have never 
given me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless 
lives, (aside to Ruby) Have you settled? Which is 
it to be? 

Ruby, (aside to him) Me. 

Pearl, (aside to him) And me too! 

Plant, (savagely to Pkarl) I shall lock you up in 
our room, miss, for the rest of the day. 

Ruby, (ruefully) Oh, papa, how unkind! 

Plant, (aside to Ruby) And you too! (aside) I can 
get on better without you. (to Doctor, stroking their 
hair) Ah, doctor, the man who v.'ould dare to rob me 
of my precious jewels, Ruby and Pearl, will have much 
to answer for. 

Doctor. Don't distress yourself, no man would be so 
heartless, (looking through microscope) 

Plant. Ahem! Not such a fool as he looks! These 
girls are no match for him. I must get him alone. 
(aloud) Well, doctor, we mustn't waste your precious 
time; I see you're busy. 

Doctor. No, no, not on a Friday, to-morrow's my day. 
(nearly dances, checks himself, aside — to Plant) Be- 
sides I'm expecting an old school fellow directly, he's 
a lieutenant in the navy, and my greatest friend. 

(Consternation of Ruby and Pearl.) 

You must stop. 

Plant. My dear Jack, we should be charmed to meet 
any friend of yours, but really during our short stay in 



34 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

town we have so many engagements, (to Ruby) Say 
good-bye and kiss him! 

Ruby. / have kissed him once, (rises) 

Plant. Good! Do it again for luck! 

(Pearl crosses towards Doctok.) 

Not you! (stops her) 

Pearl, (to Plamt) I wasn't going to. 

Plant. I wouldn't trust you. 

Pearl. Good-bye, doctor, I wish you every success. 
(shakes ha,nds and goes up stage) 

Ruby. Good-bye! (pause) Bear Jack! (pause) I (going 
to kiss him, catches her father's eye, aside to Plant) 
I can't when you're looking. 

Plant, (aside to her) Idiot! (aloud) Come, my pre- 
cious jewels! 

(Puts Ms arms round them, sioing Bus.) 

The sunshine of my widowed home. Jack, a humble 
place, but when you come to visit us at Southsea, you 
will echo the words of the immortal bard, and join with 
us in singing, (sings) "Ours is a happy little home! " 

(Exit Plant, Ruby and Pearl, all quarrelling loudly.) 

Doctor, (alone) What a strange man! I wonder why 
he's pleaded my cause with Aunt Susannah? (looks at 
aunt's picture, sitting end of sofa) Poor Aunt Susie, 
when she was quite a girl she fell in love with a man 
who turned out all wrong; that's why she's lived such 
a lonely life all these years. Dear Aunt Susie! I'll do 
all I can to give you a good time, (goes hack to micro- 
scope) 

(Enter Aurora.) 

Aurora, (excitedly) If you please, doctor 

Doctor. Don't bother me now, Aurora, I'm busy. 

Aurora, (sadly) I don't want to bother you, sir, I've 
come to give you teaming. 

Doctor. You want to leave me? 

Aurora. Never, sir, not till I'm took feet front. I 
want to warn you about that detective, sir, as the gent 
brought in his pocket. His friend let it off at that 
picture, sir. 

Doctor, (mystified) Let ivhat off? 

Aurora. Detective camera, sir, an' 'e's comin' back 
dressed up like 'er. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 35 

Doctor, (smiling) Who is? 

Aurora. 'Irft as 'is friend calls " Merry Andrew," sir. 

Doctor, {rubbing his hands) Oh, is he? It's my pro- 
fession to cure people, and I'll cure you, Master Merry 
Andrew, of this insane love of practical joking, {thumps 
on table) 

Aurora. Do, sir, I don't believe there's no ailment, 
male nor female, what you couldn't not cure, sir. 

Doctor. Thank you, Aurora, {crosses to fire) 

Aurora. Excuse the liberty I've took, sir, but I 
thought I'd best warn you, sir, lest when 'e come dressed 
up, you might think it was — it was she — and — and be 
disappointed, {half crying) 

Doctor. So I should have been — very disappointed. 
{looking at picture) Thank you very much. 

Aurora. Still gazin' at 'is fancy! The time 'as come. 
It's now or never — I'll struggle with yer! (gets on chair, 
looks over into mirror, takes combs from pocket, puts 
them, on. pauses) I do 'ope Tupper was wrong; if 'e's 
gorn and married 'er, I'm the miserablest girl in all 
Pimlico — South Belgraviar, I mean, {jumps dotcn) 

Doctor, {turning round and seeing her) What on 
earth are you doing? Do you want to bring the house 
down? 

Aurora. I can't 'elp my weight, sir. 

Doctor, (smiling) What a swell you look, Aurora! 

Aurora, (effusively) 'E's seen my combs — my diamond 
combs, (shakes head to make them sparkle) 

Doctor, (laughing) Did Mrs. O'Hara give you those 
paste things to wear for her party? 

Aurora, (disappointed) No, sir, they ain't for Mrs. 
O'Ara, and they ain't pastry things, (aside) 'E don't 
know diamonds when 'e sees 'em! 

Doctor. They're like those in my aunt's picture. 

Aurora, (joyfully) Is that your h'aunt, sir? 

Doctor. Yes. 

Aurora. Ho! I h'am glad! (aside) There's 'ope, 
there's 'ope! 

Doctor. But those combs have gone out since that 
picture was painted; you're a long way behind the times 
— a long way. (bursts out laughing and rushes out) Ha! 
ha! ha! 

(Exit Doctor, r. i. e.) 

Aurora, (alone, sobbing) I'm "gorn out" — " be'ind 
the times," there's no 'ope, I shall never wear 'em again 
— takes them off) But I'll 'ave 'em buried with me. 
Xpockets them) I shall die an old maid now — I can't 



36 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

wait till Tupper's growed up. Oh, it's an 'ard world for 
us maids, a very 'ard world! , 

(Exit Aurora, sobbing, l. u. e.) 

Aunt, {heard off) Is Doctor Sheppard in? 

Aurora, (heard off, sobbing) I'll see, mam, I'll s-ee! 

(Enter Aurora, followed by Aunt Susannah.) 

Aunt, (to her) What's the matter with you, my good 
girl? (c. up stage) 

Aurora, (sobbing) N-othin', mum. We're a b-bit 
b-busier to-day than usual, that's all. 

Aunt. Is this the doctor's consulting room? (looks 
round with affectionate interest — sits at his table) 

Aurora. One of 'em, mum — I expect 'e's in one of the 
h'inner rooms, engaged with some patients, 'e's always 
very busy on a Friday — you couldn't 'ave picked a worse 
day to come and see the great Doctor, 'Ave you got 
an appointment? 

Aunt. I wrote to him. He expects me about this 
time. 

Aurora. Oh! (Bus. — mimicking her intonation) Then 
I'll tell him. (knocks at door r. i. e.) A lady to see 
you, sir. 

Doctor, (heard off) All right! Tell him to take a 
chair. 

Aurora, (at door) It ain't an 'im, it's an 'er! 

Doctor, (heard off, laughing) Oh, then tell her to 
take the couch. 

(Aunt crosses l. c, looks at tea-table.) 

Aurora, (aside) The h'operating couch! Pore thing! 
If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg! (looks at her sympathetic- 
ally) 

Aunt, (looking at picture over door) My picture! 
How sweet of the dear boy! Oh, Jack, what a hapry 
time we shall have together. 

Aurora, (coaxingly) If you please mum, the doctor 
says as you're to take the couch, and he'll take your 
case next, mum. (puts her arm round her waist and 
walks her up to couch) 

TABLEAU. 

Aunt, (smiling) My case! (sits on sofa) 
Aurora. Yes, buck up, mum! (slaps her on back) 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 3T 

Aunt, (amused, aside) Am I very pale, I wonder? 
If I am, it's with the joy of looking forward to clasping 
my dear brother's child in my arms. 

AuKORA. {kindly) It'll soon be over. He'll be very 
gentle with yer, he's got sich a sorft 'and. {puts Tier 
legs up) 

{Enter Doctor.) 

Doctor, {sotto voce) Damn good get-up. {loudly) 
Damn good! 

Aurora, {shocked) Oh, doctor! 

Doctor, {to Aurora) Don't you see? It's the picture 
— my Aunt Susie! {points to picture, then to her) 

Aurora, {comes to join him. they stand c. backs to 
audience, roars) So it is, an' I said, " If it ain't a h'arm, 
it's a leg." {roars) 

Doctor. It's both arms and both legs, Aurora, and we'll 
have 'em off in a twinkling, {takes coat off, rolls up shirt 
sleeves) 

Aunt, {flabbergasted) Both arms! Both legs! 

Aurora. Right you are, sir, you fetch the larfin' gas, 
while I sharpen the knives, {sharpens two long knives 
from case against each other) 

Aunt {screams) Knives! Murder! Murder! Let 
me out! 

{Exit quickly.) 

Doctor, {calls after her) Don't go — Old Soosie- 
Toosie! 

Aurora, {laughing) We've cured him, sir, we've cured 
him! 

CURTAIN. 



38 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 



ACT II. 

Scene. — Same as Act I. No time elapses. 

Doctor, (alone) Good old Merry Andrew! What a 
sight he looked! Fancy expecting me to take his lum- 
bering carcase for my gentle aunt. Why, I could see 
his trousers, {laughs, picks up hills, suddenly stops 
laughing) I must sober down now and remember I'm 
a married man with a lot of responsibilities — and no 
money, not yet! But auntie's coming to-morrow — the 
real aunt — coming like a good fairy to make everything 
rosy! (looks at photo) Flo, dear little Flo! 

(Bell.) 

(not hearing hell, engrossed in photo) I'm longing to 
tell you the good news! I'll write to you. (sits 
and writes) " Dear Madam." (tears it xLp) I mean 
" Darling Flo." (lorites) 

(Enter Flora, shown in hy Aurora. She carries a hag 
in each hand, and parcels under each arm.) 

Aurora. This way, miss. The doctor's very busy, 
but 

Doctor, (not hearing, writes) "What wouldn't I give 
to have you here now." (takes out coppers) Sevenpence 
ha-penny! 

Flora, (slyly hehind him c.) Is Doctor Sheppard in? 

Doctor, (ahsently) Good afternoon. Won't you sit 
down? Now, what can I do for you? What's the 
trouble, eh? 

Flora. The trouble? 

Doctor. Oh, it's my wife! (rushes into her arms) 
Flo! 

Flora. Jack! (kisses him) 

Aurora, (gasps, aside) 'Appy patient! 

(Exit Aurora.) 

Doctor. Delighted to see you, my dear Flo — most un- 
expected pleasure — only sorry you can't stop the night. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 2d 

Flora, (surprised) Jack! I've come to stop for ever. 

DocxoR. {releasing her suddenly) You can't — you 
mustn't! 

Flora. But I can and I must! I can't live apart from 
you, Jack. I've tried it all the morning, and I can't. 
{falls in his arms) 

Doctor. But you must live apart from me — for — for 
a day or two. There's a lady coming to-morrow who 
mustn't see you here for anything. 

Flora, {by sofa c. ) A lady! The first day of our 
honeymoon! Who is she? {pauses) A patient? 

Doctor, {smiling and shaking his head) Better than 
a hundred patients. 

Flora. What's she coming for? Tell me — tell me at 
once. 

Doctor, {putting his arm round her assuredly) My 
dear little wifle, she's only my maiden aunt. 

Flora. Oh, Jack, are you sure she's a maiden aunt? 

Doctor. Quite! Here's her letter, {crosses to sofa, 
takes it from his pocket and gives it to her) Now are 
you satisfied, jealous little woman? 

Flora. Forgive me. Jack. I can't help being jealous 
of everybody and everything — I love you so much! 

Doctor, {round on to sofa) I know you do — and see 
what luck you've brought me. {pointing to letter lohich 
she is reading) I told you we shouldn't go wrong if we 
followed Quayle's advice. Auntie's coming to-morrov/, 
and she's going to do all that money can 

Flora, {reading letter) To-day, Jack — she's coming 
to-day. This letter was written yesterday. 

Doctor, {suddenly) What a fool I am! V/here's the 
Bradshaw? {crosses to table, turns over leaves of Brad- 
shau\ hurriedly) Ambleside! A! Where's A! Acton, 
Aldersgate, Ambleside, here we are! Good gracious! 
She's nearly here! {crosses to Flo) Flo, it will never 
do to greet her with a story of a secret marriage — she'd 
be simply horrified! It's very hard to part — it's been a 
short and unsatisfactory honeymoon, {kisses her) But — 
Where's that Bradshaw? {crosses to table, fumbles to 
find the place) Lowestoft? L! L! Where the devil 
is L? 

{Enter Aurora with letter.) 

Aurora. 'Ere, sir — a letter for you, sir — and the boy's 
waiting, (r. c.) 

Doctor, {takes letter) Look out the next train, you 
viust catch it! {throws Bradshaw to Flo) 



40 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

{ Doctor reading letter — Flo reluctantly looking out 
train, in Bradshaio, half crying.) 

Aurora, (aside) You shall catch it, impudent 'ussy! 
I see yer kiss 'im! They all kiss their dear doctor, 
excep' me. (turns up her nose at Flo, crosses k. of 
table c. ) 

Flora, (glancing at Aurora) I don't like the look of 
that girl. (sta7-ts) She's reading his letter, and / haven't 
seen it* 

Aurora, (to Doctor) Any answer, sir? 

Doctor. Yes, I'll write a note to this lady. 

Flora, (jealously) A lady! 

Aurora, (aside, reading the letter) I'll learn 'er 
bloomin' symptoms — I must be 'is patient. 

Flora, (watching her) The forward minx! (shuts 
Bradshaio with a hang) I won't go back to Lowestoft. 
A wife's place is by her husband's side, (takes her hat 
off and sits twisting Bradshaw, viciously) 

Doctor. Give the boy this. 

Aurora. Yes, sir. (takes note, crosses to Flo) Can I 
show you your place — 

(Flo indignant.) 

— in the Bradshaw, miss? P'raps you ain't beyond the 
A. B. C. 

Flora, (haughtily, snatching it back) No, thank you 
— I can manage myself. 

Aurora, (aside) Can yer? I'll struggle with yer — 
I've learnt 'er symptoms, (as she goes out) Impudent 
'ussy! — kissing the dear doctor. I'll struggle with yer, 
my gal! 

(Exit Aurora.) 

Flora, (looking at Doctor, who is absorbed reading 
letter) He's forgotten me already, (pause) 

Doctor, (rubbing his hands) Good business! Call on 
you this evening, my dear lady — of course I will! I 
wish it was time now. (looks at watch) 

Flora, (jealously) Who's that letter from, Jack? 
(kneels on sofa) 

Doctor. A lady in Grosvenor Road. 

Flora. How long have you knoton her? 

Doctor. I've never seen her yet. 

Flora. Who is she? (stands) 

Doctor. A patient, Flo — my first — at last! 

Flora, (with a sigh of relief) Oh, only that! 

Doctor. " Only that! " My dear Flo, a doctor's wife 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 41 

can't afford to be jealous. You'll frighten away all my 
most paying patients. 

Flora. Oh, no, Jack, I won't, (runs and kneels by 
him) I'll try and look as if I liked them, but I can't 
help being jealous. My jealousy's only love the wrong 
side up — that's all. 

DocTOK. I know it is, and I'm so glad that my first 
case has come when you were here. You are a mascotte 
indeed! {stoops and kisses her) 

Flora. If I stop, I'm sure lots and lots and lots will 
come. 

Doctor, (not noticing, ahsorhed in letter) This is the 
very case I've always been hoping for, and I've got it 
at last! Just look at the gold crest, and the thick 
paper. No, don't read it. Oh, it's worth three guineas 
a week, if it's worth a penny, and it's a three years' 
job — bar accidents. 

Flora. What's she got? 

Doctor. Hysterical paraplegia — she's afflicted with all 
sorts of abnormal fancies and longings. 

[Front door bell rings.) 

Flora, (jumping up suddenly from her knees) Who's 
that? Another lady afflicted with all sorts of longings? 

Doctor, (seriously, rubbing his hands) I hope so — 
devoutly, (rises suddenly) By George! If it's auntie!- 
She mustn't find you here. 

Flora, (running about aimlessly) Where shall I go? 
(crosses l., runs towards bathroom r. u. e.) 

Doctor, (stopping her) Not in my bedroom! 

Flora. Why not? I'm your ivife! 

Doctfr. Oh, yes, I forgot. But aunt may want to 
take her things off, and if she found you there, the 
whole story'd have to come out, and she might think 
it was a fairy tale, and that would be awful! I know — 
on my operating couch. 

Flora, (shrieks) Ach! Operating! 

(Runs down o. p., crosses r. corner and then round table 
c, followed by Doctor.) 

Doctor. It's all right! It won't bite you! (takes up 
rug) I'll chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's 
something anatomical. She'll never suspect it's my 
blushing bride. 

Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing 
bride? She's sure to find me here. 

Doctor. No, no, she won't! 

Flora. She rvill! I'm so conspicuous! (sits on sofa) 



42 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Doctor. Tlie more conspicuous the better, when you 
want to hide anything. It disarms suspicion, (down 
stage) 

Flora, {jumps off couch, and stalks dotcn to Mm in a 
toivering rage) Jack! You've done this before!! 

Doctor. Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all 
will come right, (drags her hack and covers her up) 

Flora, (popping her head out) Oh, hubby, are you 
sure we're properly married? 

Doctor. Quite. Lie still, (same Bus.) 

Flora, (same Bus.) It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, 
it's a horrid, horrid wedding day! (kicks and disar- 
ranges rug) 

Doctor, (putting it back) She's coming! Lie still, 
do lie still! Flo, please — for my sake! Do lie quite 
still— 

(Flo kicks.) 

and don't kick. 

(Enter Plant.)* 

Plant. My dear cousin Jack! (putting out his hand) 
I'm so glad to find you alone. My mission is of rather 
a delicate nature. 

Doctor, (aside) Oh, Lord! (looks at couch nervously 
— to Plant) I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call 
some other time, could you? (feels his pulse) 

Plant. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me — it's 
not me — it's my precious jewels. I've left them lying 
in their room, their sobs were distressing to hear, they 
are suffering terribly. 

Doctor, (aside) Another case! Quayle's right again! 
They're flowing in. 

Plant, (aside) Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll 
get on better without 'em. (aloud) They are both — 
(sobs) — both 

Doctor. Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll 
come at once, (putting on his hat) 

Plant. No, you misunderstand me — they are simply 
overcome with the way — to use their own phrase — the 
" affectionate " way in which you received them this 
afternoon. 

Doctor, (aside) And Flo can hear every word. It's 
all up! 

Plant. They can talk of nothing else. 

(Doctor pulls Plant's coat.) 

It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack, (same Bus.) Ah, you 
have robbed me of my precious jewels. 



01! ! SUSANNAH ! 43, 

DocTon. (f/lancing nervously at couch, with assumed 
levity) Nonsense! 

Plant, (indignant) It's not nonsense at all, it's very 
serious. Heaven forbid that I should speak harshly to 
a young man with a rich — ahem! — future — but as their 
father — from whom they have never had a secret all 

their blameless lives (crosses u.) I tell you, sir, 

you have broken ttco hearts in one afternoon. 

Doctor, (gloomily) Oh, good afternoon! (sits at 
tabic) 

Flora, (aside) I shall go home by the next train. 

Plant. They're wasting the best years of their lives, 
and all for you, sir — all for you! (cross l., waves his 
stick excitedly) 

Doctor, (half to himself) I can't commit bigamy. 

Plant. I don't ask you to marry both — (ivhacks) — of 
them, but one or the other you must — (whacks) — and 
shall — (ivhacks on table)— after all you have said and 
done, (up) Now, my dear sir, (uxtlking about waving 
his stick c. ) I speak to you as a bachelor — (ivhacks rug 
with walking stick) — without encumbrances, (whacks) 
What have you got there? (whacks) 

Doctor, (gets up) My encumbr er — my model! (r. 

of chair) 

Plant. Your model? 

Doctor, (intercepting him) Yes, my ana 

Plant. Anna? 

Doctor. Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break 
it — and these things cost money, you know. 

Plant. I accept your explanation — without prejudice. 
Well, to return to our muttons — I mean my poor Iambs — 

Doctor, (aside) Oh. damn your lambs! (crosses l.) 

Plant. I ask you, as a father, what are your in- 
tentions? 

Doctor, (aside) Can't tell him I'm married — he'd tell 
auntie. 

Plant, (severely) Answer me, sir — what are your 
intentions with regard to my two daughters? (Bus. 
Flo.) 

Doctor, (sofa, aside) If he wasn't my fairy prince, 
I'd brain him! (spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused) 
Flo's hat! Oh — er — honourable, you know — strictly 
honourable, (tries to hide Flo's hat) 

Plant, (pointing to Flo's hat) What is that, sir? 
(works right round sofa) 

Doctor, (folloiving) A lady's hat, sir. 

Plant. Don't be flippant, sir. (seizes hat and toaves it) 
You're deceiving my girls, two girls with but one 
single thought, two hats — hearts that beat for Jack. 



44 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Doctor, (to Plant) I'm deceiving no one — that hat 
belongs to one of my patients. 

Plant, (aside) A patient, indeed! He's got none. 
(goes for hat) 

Doctor. A lady in whose case I take the deepest in- 
terest. Can't tell you — it would be a breach of profes- 
sional etiquette. 

Plant, (goes to Doctor over r.. throws his hat and 
stick on sofa) Ah, now you're talking business. The 
legal and medical professions are sisters, and should 
have no secrets. 

Doctor, (shakes his head) No, no, it's a delicate case. 
(Bus.) 

Plant. Delicate cases are my speciality, and if I can 
be of any assistance to you — (aside) — or you to me—. 
(aloud) I'm at your service. Proceed. 

Doctor, (aside) I'll break it to him gently why I 
can't marry his daughters, (to Plant) Well, to begin 
with, she's a married woman 

Plant. Is she? She'll cost her husband a pretty penny 
in hats. 

Doctor, (airily) Oh, he can afford it. (speaks low 
so that Flo can't hear) He's a great friend of mine — in 
fact, the greatest friend I have in all the world. 

Plant, (loudly) Then what's his wife's hat doing 
here? 

Doctor, (aside) That's just like a d — — d lawyer! 
(softly) Don't you see, they married secretly, without 
her parents' consent, and she went back to her people, 
and — and time went on — and at last she could bear it 
no longer, so this afternoon she came up to town to 
find her husband 

Plant. Your greatest friend? 

Doctor. Er — precisely! 

Plant, (aside) It's that lieutenant in the navy. I 
must remember that. 

Doctor. And she came straight to me, and she had a 
fit of hysteria and she fell 

Plant. Fell? 

Doctor. Yes — in my arms. 

Plant. Sir! 

Doctor. Fainted — fainted! And now she's lying 
down, and the question is, when she recovers, where 
is she to go? 

Plant. Go? To her husband, of course! Where 
is he? 

Doctor. Ah, that's the question! 

Flora, (aside, popping her head out) I've got the 
cramp! I shall shriek in a minute. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 45 

Plant, (aside) I'll put him under an obligation, (to 
Doctor — effusively, loudly) My dear cousin, my door is 
ever open to the weary wanderer, and if the fair owner 
of that hat 

Doctor. No, no! It's very kind of you, but I won't 
hear of it. The fair owner of that hat is perfectly 
comfortable where she is. 

(Doctor a7id Plant up.) 

Flora. Ooh! (sits up) 

TABLEAU. 

She's not a bit comfortable where she is. Doctor Shep- 
pard! 

Plant, (aside) Ah, the old story! (crosses r. of 
table) 

Flora. I've got pins and needles. 

Doctor. My poor child, let me (goes to her o. p. 

side of table) 

Flora. Go away — don't touch me. (lies on couch, rub- 
bing her leg, aside to Doctor) I'm not your poor child 
any longer. I shall get the registrar to cancel our 
certificate. 

Plant, (to Doctor, who comes doivn c, looking miser- 
able) So that's your anatomical model, eh? Your 
friend's wife? You Don Juan! (digs him in ribs. In 
his ear) " These things cost money, you know." (laughs 
— to Doctor) If it comes to a divorce, look me up. I'll 
pull you through on reduced terms. 

Doctor. No, no, you don't understand. 

(To Flo, w7io comes down between them) 

Are you all right now? 

Flora, (coldly, crossing from him to Plant) Yes, 
thank you. Doctor Sheppard. (aside) Now I'll find out 
all about Jack and these precious jewels! (crosses r. 
to Plant) I accept your kind offer of hospitality, sir. 

(Doctor pulls Flo to him, she gets away, and sits 
down R.) 

Plant, (aside) He'll have to marry my daughter 
after this, (goes to Flo) 

Doctor, (aside) I hate letting her go with Plant, but 
p'raps it's the best way out. Anyway she'll not see 



46 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

auntie. I must get 'em off before she comes. (to 
Plant) My fairy prince, how can I thank you for this 
double act of Icindness? 

(Slaps Mm hard on the hack — Plant doudles up with 
lumbago.) 

Don't double up like that — you might be struck so. I'm 
more grateful to you {same Bus.) than I can express. 
{same Bu.s again) I've moved him at last! Good! 

(Doctor goes to Flo, icho crosses l. to sofa at once.) 

Plaxt. I must get out of this. Ah, my dear young 
lady, allow me. Your hat. {hands Flo hat fro^n off sofa, 
watching Doctor — to Flo) Ah, he's a sad dog, always 
full of fun!" That's why all the girls are so madly in 
love with him. 

Flora, {severely) They must be mad to be in love 
with him! {at sofa back, putting her hat on, looking in 
mirror) 

Plaxt. (aside) Tired of him already. She'll be 
wanting to go back to her husband — good business for 
the lawyer — (rubs his hands) — and especially for yours 
truly, (goes up in front of mirror — crosses round sofa) 
I must find out what her husband's name is. I'm quite 
ready when you are. my dear Mrs. — er — Mrs. 

Doctor, (crosses c. quickly, aside to Plant) Garden — 
better call her Miss Garden for the present. 

Plaxt. (aside to Doctor) I say, this mustn't be used 
against me in evidence. It's only for your sake, you 
gay dog! (offers his arm to Flo) Come, my dear Miss 
Garden — you must confide in me as in a second father. 

(She takes his arm.) 

Doctor, (aside) I hope she won't! 

Plant, (at door) I say, Jack — "a lady in whose case 
I take the deepest interest! " (nods towards her) 

Doctor, (to Flora, as they go out) Flo! Speak to me. 

Flora, (going — angry) No, I won't speak to you. 

Plant, (as they go out arm in arm, winks at Doctor) 
No, sir, we won't speak to you. 

(Exit with Flora.) 

(Bell rings.) 

Doctor, (alone) I should like to have that gentleman 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 47 

for a surgical patient! I half wish I hadn't let her go. 
Those girls are sure to talk about me, and Heaven only 
knows what they'll say! I wonder if they're really in 
love with me? No! not likely. I'm not the sort of 
fellow girls fall in love with. No girl ever fell in love 
with me except Flo — dear jealous little Flo! Ah, well, 
I love her all the more for being so jealous, and I know 
she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, 
and only one. 

(Exit R. I. E.) { 

(Enter Auboka, folloived by Aunt.) 

Aurora. This way, mum. The doctor's very busy. 

Aunt, (aside) I'm calmer now! (her lips are set, and 
she looks anything but calm) And I'll make him explain 
his outrageous conduct, (crosses right round writing 
table) 

Aurora. Will you take a chair, mum — and I'll tell the 
doctor 

AirNT. (xoith suppressed indignation) Engaged with 
some poor suffering patient, I presume? (sits) 

Aurora, (aside) I don't like her tone of voice, (comes 
down and looks in her face — aside) It's 'im! (aloud) Is 
the doctor expectin' of you back, or was you took wuss? 
What's your complaint, eh? (taps her on the shoulder) 

Aunt, (indignantly) My complaint? You! (shoves 
her away) Go and tell the doctor that I am here, at 
once. 

Aurora, (not moving) Oh, yuss, if not sooner. What 
name, ehl (same Bus.) 

Aunt, (loudly) No name. 

AtTRORA. (not moving) Oh, the doctor won't see no 
lady without no name. 'E's very particular. 

Aunt, (icith suppressed rage) Then tell him Susie- 
Toosie wants to see him. (crosses sofa and sits) 

Aurora. Oh! what ho! (laughing) Susie-Toosie — oh, 
if it's that you needn't wait. Come along, outside. 
(tries to pull her out of her chair) 'Op it! 

(Enter Doctor. Aurora stops suddenly.) 

Doctor, (surprised) Aurora! 

Aurora, (to him) It's Susie-Toosie, sir. (laughs) 
Come back again. 

Doctor, (laughing) So it is. Go on, Aurora, turn it 
out. that thing's my aunt, (sings) "For she's a jolly 
good fellow." 

(Bell rings.) 



48 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

ArRORA. (leaving go of Aunt) Drat that bell, it's 
spoilt my day. 

{Exit Aurora.) 

Doctor, (quietly) Look here, you merry Andrew — ' 
take your hair off. (pulls it) Oh, by George! he has 
stuck it on tight! (pulls it harder) 

Au.NT. (indignantly) Sir! 

Doctor. Don't put on that silly voice, I know all about 
you. I'll make him jealous, (sings) "There were two 
jolly sailor girls from Portsmouth town " — the little 
one makes eyes at me. But it's the tall one I like, she 
calls me " dear Jack." Oh, she's dead gone on me. 
Her father wants me to marry her. (aside) That's shut 
him up! (aloud) And look here, you've got to take your 
hook. I'm fagged out after my railway journey — I'm 
going to have a bath before she comes — you know I'm 
a great believer in the water cure. 

(Takes off his frock coat and throics it down, goes to 
hath room, turns on hot and cold taps in sight of 
audience, noise of water fioicing into hath.) 

Now, don't sit there looking a silly ass. (shies some- 
thing at her at the last ivord) 

(Aunt sits facing audience, speechless with indignation.) 

You know you're not a bit like a lady, and nobody but 
a lunatic would take you for one. Hurry up and get 
some decent togs' on, and come back for me at 7:30. Do 
you hear, you old joker, it's no use keeping it up 

(Aunt sits motionless.) 

Oh, well, I can't wait, (iindoes his hraces) But look 
here, if you don't clear out before she comes I'll break 
every bone in your body. Au reservoir! 

(Doctor exits into bath-room.) 

Aunt, (crosses to table) And that is my brother's 
only child! A shameless monster, lost to all sense of 
decency, and carrying on with two sailor girls! Hor- 
rible! But after all, he's my nephew and I must do 
my duty by him. What is my duty, I wonder? (comes 
hack and sits on sofa) His father was such a gentle 
soul, and to think that this brutal ruffian is his son. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 49 

(Enter Tuppeb.) 

TuppER. (looks round, sees no one, hears splashing in 
next room) 'E's 'avin' a bath, now's my time for a 
quiet smoke, (picks cigarette end off ash tray) 

AvxT. (to herself) Oh, my poor head! 

TuppER. (starts and comes to her, cigarette in mouth) 
Summat wrong with yer 'ead? 

Aunt. Go away, you horrid boy! 

TuppER. The doctor'Il cure it in a jiffy, take my tip, 
but 'e's 'avin' a bath just now. You know he's a great 
believer in the water cure. He says if we 'ad cleaner 
bodies we'd 'ave cleaner minds — do yo^i 'old with that? 
I spec he'll give you the water cure. I say — you must 
pay for it afore you go, 'cos 'e's stoney. Goes on tick 
for everythink. 'Ave you got a light? 

Axtnt. Go away! 

TuppEB. All right, no offence, (gets match from man- 
telpiece) The doctor could make lots of money if he'd 
only try, but 'e don't. 'E just lies on that couch all 
day reading books with 'orrible pictures of people 
'aving their arms and legs chopped orf, and such like. 
(coming round) This is the wust — ain't it blood-curd- 
ling? But the lady don't seem to mind — she looks quite 
calm and peaceful-like, don't she? (shows Aunt the 
hook) 

Aunt. Take it away, you dreadful boy! 

TuppER. All right — keep your 'air on. (goes up stage) 
'E's wonderful clever; you should see 'im with these 
'ere knives, golly! ain't they sharp! (trying one) 'E'd 
slice yer up as soon as look at yer, and yet no patients 
don't come. Why's that? Do you think 'e's too expen- 
sive — it's a pound a time. 

(Bell rings.) 

I say, the proper way is to leave it in a h'envelope on 
this 'ere table. Don't forget, 'cos there 'ere clothes 
ain't paid for yet, and if they ain't to-day, they're 
a-comin' orf. 

Aunt. You rude boy! Go! (sits in grandfather's 
chair) 

TuppER. (aside) "Well, it ain't my fault if 'e don't get 
on! I says all I can! 

(Exit TuppER R. I. E. above table.) 

(Enter Ruby atid Pearl, shown in by Aurora — they 
don't see Aunt.) 
4 



go OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Aurora. I'll tell the Doctor, {goes towards bath-room 
door) 

(Splashing heard.) 

He's very busy — but 

(Louder splashing.) 

Ruby. Pray don't disturb him. 

(Bell rings.) 

Pearl. We don't want to see him just yet. We'll wait. 

(Exit Aurora.) 

That stupid cabman never suspected anything. He 
called him " Mum." 

(Both laugh.) 

Ruby. Let's bring her in now, before Jack comes in. 

(Enter Aurora, followed hy Flo.) 

Aurora. I'll tell the doctor, (goes to hath room) E's 
very busy now — but 

(Splashing heard.) 

Flora, (to Aurora) Not yet — I want to speak to these 
ladies first. 

Ruby, (hacking doivn stage astonished, to Pearl) 
Miss Garden! What does she want to come for — and 
spoil our fun? 

Pearl, (to Flo) You said you had a headache, and 
were going to lie down. 

Ruby, (to Flo) Yes, that was only an excuse for 
coming to see Jack. 

Aunt, (aside) She calls him Jack! 

Aurora, (aside) I must 'ear this — it's all for 'im. 
(stays at hack, pretending to tidy) 

Flora. It was no excuse at all. I was pulling the 
blind down to darken the room, when I saw you two 
horrid things crossing the road to this house — when you 
said you were going shopping. That was only an ex- 
cuse to come and flirt with my Jack! 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 51 

AuxT. (aside) Oh, he's her Jack, is he? 

Flora. And I followed you, though my head's split- 
ting, for I love him with all my heart, and I won't let 
anyone come between us. 

(Aurora gasps.) 

RrnY. You brazen girl, and you're married to his 
greatest friend! 

Flora. I'm not! (descends on Ruby) 

Ruby. You Tcnoio you are! Pa said so! 

Flora. Did he? Then he basely betrayed my hus- 
band's sacred confidence, {crosses back again) 

Pearl, (with sarcasm) Your husband's sacred confi- 
dence! If you're really a respectable married woman, 
my dear Miss Garden, instead of coming here to slan- 
der my father, you'd better go back and lie down. 

Flora. And leave you alone with my Jack? No, 
thank you! What are you. I'd like to know? Two 
horrid fast girls who ran away with two young men 
only this morning, and had to be locked up. 

AuxT. (aside) And these are my nephew's friends! 

Flora. And you picked the lock with a hairpin, and 
came here all alone to flirt with my Jack! 

Ruby. Your Jack? How dare you! (crosses to Flo 
and comes back) He's my Jack! 

(Aurora gasps again.) 

Aunt, (aside) Oh, he's her Jack now! It gets worse 
and worse! 

Pearl. To be strictly accurate. Doctor Sheppard is 
our Jack! 

Aunt, (aside) Our Jack! This is too much! 

(Aurora gasps louder.) 

Flora. What do you mean? 

Pearl. It is my father's wish that one of us should 
marry him. 

Aurora, (screams) Oh, 'Evvings! They're going to 
marry my Jack! (coining doivn — falls on her knees 
facing audience c.) 

Aunt, (aside) Her Jack! That's four of them! They 
all love Jack! 

Flora, (to Aurora) Your Jack! 

Aurora, (kneeling) Yuss! I love 'im with a secret 
passion and I don't care who knows it! (rises) 



52 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

AuxT. It's a perfect harem! {maTces Tier escape to- 
loards door and 

(Exits, still unobserved.) 



AuROEA. (c.) Don't you think because I'm only a 
servant, a common slavey with £5 a year and a 'alf a 
pound o' sugar a week, that I'm a-goin' to 'ave the dear 
doctor took from me! 

Flora. How dare you love him! 

Aurora. And why not? 'Cos I wears a cap? Look 
'ere! you three girls is all settin' your caps at 'im. I'm 
in it too. {throivs down cap) — and I chucks darn the 
gimlet. 

Pearl. You little stupid! 

Aurora, {crying) Yuss! I know I'm a little stupid, 
but which o' you would put yer 'ole soul into cleanin' 
'is boots, as / does? Which o' you would buy 'im 
wittles out o' yer perks as I does? I may be a little 
stoopid, but I loves 'im more than all of yer put together, 
and I'll struggle with yer, see if I don't! 

{Exit Aurora.) 

Ru^BY. {to Flo) Are you going, Miss Garden, or are 
you not? 

Pearl. It'll make your headache much worse if you 
stay here. 

Flora. I shall ask the doctor to give me something 
to send it away, {makes herself comfortable on sofa, 
back to Pearl) 

Pearl, {to Ruby) Isn't she a spiteful little cat! 

Ruby, (to Pearl) Never mind, she shan't interfere 
with our fun; we can't leave those two sitting in that 
four-wheeler all day. (rises, comes to Pearl) 

Pearl. No, come along, we'll go and tell " auntie " 
to come in. 

(Exeunt Ruby and Pearl.) 

Flora, (aside) I'll make Jack explain about those 
girls, or I'll break off our — our honeymoon; they talk as 
if he was engaged to both of them. Now I know why 
he was so desperately anxious to hide me when their 
father called. 

(Enter Doctor, in pyjamas and eccentric Turkish 
dressing gown, rubbing his head with a towel — Flo 
doesn't see Mm.) 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 53 

Oh, Jack, Jack, I never thought you'd turn. out such a 
monster as this! 

Doctor, (surprised to see her) Good afternoon, (fum- 
hles for his eye-glass, which is hanging down his back) 

What can I do for (recognizes her) My darling tvife! 

This is a pleasant surprise. 

Flora, (starting up) Go away, you object! (crosses 
R. ) It's not a pleasant surprise, and I'm not your wife 
any longer! I know all — oh, Jack! 

Doctor, (aside) Those precious jewels have said 
something. Confound them! (advancing to her, timidly) 
My dear Flo, if you will only give me time, I can ex- 
plain everything! 

Flora, (eagerly) Oh, do. Jack, do! (rushes into his 
arms) 

(Enter Ruby and Pearl.) 

Ruby, (seeing Doctor and Flo together) Oh, we 
didn't know you were engaged. 

Pearl. There's another lady wants to see you. 

Flora, (jealously) Another lady? (turns aicay) 

Doctor, (eagerly) In hysterics? 

Pearl. No — in a four-wheeler. 

Ruby. She said she'd rung twice, but couldn't make 
anyone hear. 

Doctor. Tupper's never awake when the bell rings. 
I'll discharge that boy — at least my half of him! 

Ruby. I told her I'd see if you were disengaged, and 
she scribbled her name on her card; here it is. (reads) 
Miss Susannah Sheppard! 

Doctor and Flora. Auntie! 

Doctor, (to Flo) She mustn't see me like this — 
(looks at the dressing gown) — and she mustn't see you 
at all, you must fly! 

Flora, (clinging to Jack, who is pale and agitated) 
Oh, Jack! I can't go and leave you with them, (look- 
ing at Ruby and Pearl) Can't you say that I'm one of 
your patients? 

Doctor. Good idea, how clever of you. Get back 
there, (on operating couch) 

Ruby. Oh, what fun! Let's all be patients! (nudges 
Pearl) 

(Ruby and Pearl sit down and pretend to he suffering.) 

Doctor, (to girls) All right! All be patients. It'll 
impress auntie, (takes off dressing-gown and flings it 



C4 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

into hath-room, is just going in — stops) No! No time 
to change, \snatches Ms frock coat off chair, and buttons 
it over his pyjamas) Remember! This is the supreme 
moment of my life. Whatever I say to you — whatever 
I do to you^you mustn't mind. 

Ruby and Pearl. We won't, (stifling a laugh) 

Doctor. Hush! 

(Enter Andrew dressed as Aunt, followed by Waverly.) 

(to Andrew) My dear aunt, I'm so glad to see you. 
Won't you sit down? (leads him doivn to sofa) 

(Pearl runs to Waverly, and drags him down o. p. 
corner. ) 

Pearl. Come and sit here! Pretend to be a patient! 
Waver. Why? 

(Pearl explains in dumb shoiv.) 

Doctor, (at settee to Andrew) I must apologize for 
this worn-out attire — I'm always worn out on Friday, 
my worst day. I wish you'd come any other day. No! 
I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully glad you've come 
to-day, but I'm awfully sorry I'm so busy I can't talk 
to you. No, no! I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully 
glad, of course, that I'm so busy I can't talk to you! 
No, no, of course I don't mean that — I mean — I don't 
quite know what I do mean. You see it's Friday — oh! 
what a fool she must think me! Will you excuse me 
just two minutes while I settle off a few patients? 

(Trio 1st laugh — Doctor crosses quickly to them.) 

(aside to them, softly) Don't laugh at her! and don't 
look so beastly healthy! Look pale! Faint! Do some- 
thing ! 

(Bus. — Ruby makes a sling for her arm out of her 
handkerchief.) 

(crosses quickly back to Aunt) I'm so sorry to keep you 
waiting, my dear aunt; won't you amuse yourself with 
a book or something? (goes to couch at back, fetches 
" Quayle on Muscles'' comes back quickly to Aunt, 
opens it) Here you are. (shuts it quickly and shies 
it down, aside) What do ladies read? 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 55 

(Crosses quickly to Pearl, who is reading " Pink 'Un," 
snatches it from her.) 

Thank you very much, (crosses quickly to Aunt) Here 
you are, aunt, this is a lady's paper! {gives it to her 
and runs to Fi.o at back— aside anxiously) I'll explain 
everything when they've gone! {loudly, holding her 
hand) Ah! your nerves are run down a little, {goes to 
medicine chest) 

(Trio 2nd laugh.) 

Confound those Plant girls — I'll pay them out! {flings 
roll of lint at Peakl, then pours sal volatile from bottle 
into measuring glass, then into tumbler, adds a little 
water — to Flo) There! drink that! You'll soon be 
better. 

{During this Bus. Pearl picks up roll of lint, puts a 
bandage round Waverly's face — Ruby steals across 
stage and kisses Andrew — Doctor turns round just 
after.) 

Ruby. (c. confused, comes to table) Could you take 
my case next, doctor? I'm so bad! 

Doctor. You are. (Bus. — with stethoscope) I mean — 
with pleasure! I'll write you a prescription, (icrites) 
I should advise a long voyage with a tnerry companion. 

(Andrew shakes his fist at Doctor unobserved by him.) 

Better start at once, {hands her prescription, saying 
aside) Go! {rings bell on table) 

{Enter Tupper.) 

Show this lady to her carriage, Tupper. 

(Rudy doesn't move from table.) 

(aside) Go! Go! What are you waiting for? 

Ruby, (aside to him, stifling a laugh) My sister, of 
course. I'm not going to leave her here, (crosses c, 
then on to Andrew) 

Doctor. Pray don't. 

(Doctor rushes at Pearl, who is hobbling across stage 
on WA^'ERLY's walking stick and takes stick from her. ) 

(aside) Do you want to give me away to my aunt? 



56 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

(then loudly) I'll write to your school mistress about 
you. I think a little physical treatment locally applied 
(brandishing stick) will put you right very soon. Good 
afternoon, (aside) Go! Go! both of you! (rings bell) 

(Re-enter Tuppeb.) 

More carriages for this lady, Tupper. (to Pearl) You 
needn't wait, little girl. 

Pearl. I shall wait for Mr. Vane; and I won't be called 
a little girl! (goes to Ruby) 

(Bell rings.) 

Doctor, (getting desperate) Shall I never get rid of 
'em! (rushes at Vane and grips him by the arm) I'll 
take you next, sir. (loudly) 

(Waverly laughs.) 

Stop that infernal laughing. I know my aunt will see 
through it soon, (punches him on back) 

(Wavebly cries out.) 

Ah, it's still there! (loudly) That'll have to come out! 
(punches him harder) 

(Waverly cries louder.) 

Yes! (severely) We must remove that at once. Step 
into my operating room. 

(Drags him off to bath-room — opens door, turns on taps 
and leaves them running. Waverly runs back to his 
chair, Doctor runs back after him.) 

Come along, now — be a man! 

Waver. Not to-day, thank you all the same. 

(Enter Aunt, shown in by Tupper.) 

Aunt. (c. ) I'll give him one last chance. 

Doctor, (seeing her — rushes at her — aside to her) 
Take 'em off, you fool! She's come! Take 'em off, I 
say, or I'll take 'em off for you! 

(Andrew starts up and takes his bonnet and wig off.) 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 57 

Andrew, (calls loudly) Jack! Jack! 

(Doctor far too preoccupied to hear him, pusJies Aunt 
into hath-room — she falls head foremost into hath, her 
heels go up — loud splash. Doctor bangs door, turns 
round, sees Andrew.) 

Doctor, (aghast) Merry Andrew!!! 

Andrew. Yes, Dull Boy! 

Doctor. Then who's in here? (opens door) 

TABLEAU. 

Andrew. Oh! Susannah! 

(Flo rushes into bath-room and shuts door quickly.) 

CURTAIN. 



58 • OH ! SUSANNAH ! 



ACT III. 

Scene. — The same as Acts I and II. 

(Doctor discovered alone, in frock coat and pyjama 
trousers, and just going to knock at bath-room door.) 

Doctor, (hand up, listening) I must apologize to her! 
No, I simply daren't, (conies doion c.) It was such an 
awful thing to do, I'll — I'll wait till Flo comes out to — 
to tell me how she is. (listens) No, I can't. I know! 
I'll go to her in my professional capacity! (puts on high 
hat, and does to door, just going to knock, looks at 
pyjamas) I can't go in these. Where are my trousers? 
(looks round) Of course, in there! (points to bath- 
room) I know! I'll go to ask for my trousers! (same 
Bus. — about to knock) No that's a silly idea! I'm 
losing my wits. (comes down c. and sits at writing 
table) Suppose something happens to her? There'll be 
an inquest, and it'll be all in the papers: " Brutal Con- 
duct of a West End Doctor.." Oh, my cup of misery 
is full! 

(Enter Aurora with telegram.) 

Aurora, (to Doctor) Here you are, doctor — a tele- 
gram for you, sir. We are busy to-day! 

Doctor, (opens telegram, starts, aside) From my 
father-in-law. (reads to himself) "Have learnt from 
local registrar your cowardly conduct in eloping with 
my daughter — am on my way to London to horsewhip 
you." 

Aurora, (cheerily) Any answer, sir? (c.) 

Doctor, (gloomily) No! It's nothing — only an ap- 
pointment — I shan't keep it. 

Aurora. Don't look so sad, sir. 

(Music upstairs heard off, some appropriate music-hall 
tune. ) 

You go h'upstairs to the tea-fight. 'Ere's yer invite. 
(takes card off mantel) There's plenty to eat and drink 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 59 

and nothin' to pay; you done quite enough work for 
one day, sir. 
Doctor. Quite! 

(Bath-room bell rings.) 

Aurora, (mystified) That's your bath-room bell a- 
ringing, sir. 
Doctor, (funereally) Yes! Answer it. 
Aurora, (hesitating) "Who's inside, sir? 
Doctor. Two ladies. 
Aurora. Two of 'em — oh, doctor! 

(Enter Flo, from bath-room, with bundle of Aunt's 
clothes, dripping wet.) 

Doctor, (penitently) My dear Flo, let me help you! 

Flora, (indignantly to Doctor) Don't touch me! I 
wonder you aren't ashamed to. This is your work! 
(crosses to Aurora quietly) Take these, and dry them 
as quickly as possible! 

Doctor. Flo! My darling, won't you give me one 
word? 

Flora. Brute! 

(Exit Flo. into bathroom, banging door after her.) 

Doctor. Got it! 

Aurora. Oh, sir, what 'ave you been a-doin' of? 

Doctor. Don't ask silly questions. Do as you're told. 
I don't know what it is, but do it! 

Aurora, (aside) If the missus sees these she'll turn 
the dear doctor into the street. I know she will! But 
she shan't see 'em, if I can 'elp it. (hugs them closely) 
It's all for 'im! Oh, ain't they wet, but they can't 
squelch the flame that's burnin' 'ere for the dear doctor. 
(coming down) I must tell him, I must! (throws wet 
clothes down on stage) 

Mrs. O'H. (heard off) H'Aurora! 

Aurora. Yus, mum! (hides clothes behind her) 

(Enter Mrs. O'Hara.) 

Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you wait on lodgers as can't pay 
their rint? (by sofa) Go h'upstairs and wait on my lady 
friends, 

(Exit Aurora.) 



CO OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

(leans on hack of sofa, to Doctor) Pardon me for 
callin' when you're so busy, {with sarcasm) 

Doctor, {ahsent-minded) Don't mention it. Won't 
you sit down? Now, what can I — oh, it's the landlady! 

Mrs. O'H. Quite a stream of patients! 

Doctor, (absently) Oh, yes! Flowing in — simply 
flowing in! 

Mrs. O'H. I'm glad to 'ear it. If a man can't h'earn 
a honest livin' at your time of life, 'e may as lief — 
(hiccough) — drown 'isself. 

Doctor, (aside) "Drown" — the water-cure — my 
cure! 

Mrs. O'H. I needn't remind you as it's Lady Day. 

Doctor, (picking up pile of bills) No, I've been re- 
minded, but I'm afraid I must trouble you to wait. 

Mrs. O'H. Ho, of course] The pore lone widder must 
always wait. 

Doctor. I wish the lone widder would go to the 
devil! 

Mrs. O'H. As I was just remarkin' to Widder Smith, 
as is honnering my party h'upstairs — 

Doctor, (rising) Don't let me keep you from your 
friends, (half rising) They'll be getting impatient. 

Mrs. O'H. (rising) H'impatient indeed, (crosses c.) 
Their company manners is just as good as your friends, 
ril warrant. Which reminds me that Widder Smith 
'as met you in (hiccough) in sassiety. 

Doctor, (absently) Widow Smith? (shakes his 
head) Never heard her name. 

Mrs. O'H. Ho! of course not! (comes to him) 
You'll say next you never gave her a bath — (hiccoughs) 

Doctor (rises, astonished) Gave her a bath? 

Mrs. O'H. (very indignant) A bath bun — I was 
a-goin' to say, and a cup o' coffee, at the Penny Reading 
— (crosses c. again) 

Doctor, (smiling grimly) Oh, I remember that Penny 
Reading — I gave a comic recitation — it was funny! 
(sits again) 

Mrs. O'H. Fairly so, she says, for a hamatoor. Some- 
thin' about the water-cure, wasn't it? 

"Doctor, (icrithing) I believe it was. (aside) The 
water-cure! It's fate! 

Mrs. O'H. Well, out o' charity to a pore lodger as 
can't pay 'is rent, I'm goin' to take yer h'upstairs to 
to say that there recititation to my lady friends. Come 
along! 

Doctor, (rising) No, no, I'm not in a funny humour! 

Mrs. O'H. Ho! but I'm going to take 'arf a crown 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 61 

off the rint-book for yer doin' of it — so come along! 
{drags him) 

Doctor. No, no — I really can't — I'vfe had a terribly 
busy day and I'm too — tired! 

Mrs. O'H. Too proud, you mean. But, mark my 
■word, if you don't come h'up — 

Doctor, {aside, absently) I shall come h'up three 
times. 

Mrs. O'H. Your pride'll 'ave a fall, and a very 
'umblin' fall! 

{Exit Mrs. O'Hara, with dignity.) 

Doctor, {alone) I wonder if the fall from the Albert 
Suspension is worse than Waterloo Bridge? {sits look- 
ing miserable) 

{Enter Aurora, looking more miserable.) 

Aurora, {aside) It's now or never. I must tell 'im, 
I must. 

Doctor {aside) I wonder if I ought to keep that 
appointment with my father-in-law first. No! I'll spare 
him the trouble. 

Aurora, {aside) Now, when I come to think of it, 
there's not only them three girls settin' their frills at 'im, 
but there's the lady without any clothes in there, {points 
to bathroom) That's four of 'em, but I'll struggle with 
the lot. 

Doctor, {aside) I'll go now. {rises) Oh, I do feel 
so nervous, {pours out whiskey, going to add water) 
N — no! I shall get enough water afterwards, {drinks) 

Aurora, {aside) I'll be 'is patient! They all do it 
that way. I've learnt the symptoms off the letter, I'll 
see if I know 'em. {repeats them to herself with action) 

Doctor, {aside) Courage, courage! {strikes his chest, 
going) No, I can't go in these! {looks at pyjamas) 
I can't drown myself in pyjamas, and I've left my only 
trousers in there, and I can't get 'em — how — how very 
annoying, {sits again, much relieved) I can't drown 
myself. 

Aurora, {standing c. end of sofa, leaning head on 
cushion) Ho, sir, I do feel queer. 

Doctor, {looking round) What's the matter? 

Aurora. I've got all sorts of normal fancies, an' — • 
longin's — haivful longin's, sir — I think I'm longin' to 
drown myself. 

Doctor, {suddenly) Don't say that!' I'm surprised 
at you — don't you know it's only cowards who want to 



62 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

drown themselves. Come now, sit down! What's the 
trouble, eh? 

Aurora, {vacantly) The trouble, sir? 

Doctor. What can I do for you? 

Aurora. / dunno, sir, what can you do for me? 

Doctor. No, you don't understand. What are your 
symptoms? 

Aurora, (effusively) Oh!! My symptoms, sir? (aside) 
I know 'em all by 'eart! (whispers in his ear) 

Doctor. Most extraordinary! I've heard of a case 
exactly like that. Whose was it? (sees letter on table) 
Of course! The lady in Grosvenor Road. My only pa- 
tient, and I'd forgotten her! I must pull myself to- 
gether. I've got my work to do — my work, (picks up 
aunts letter) " The noble work of alleviating human 
suffering! " Ah, that's what she said — before she had 
a bath — (looks at bathroom, sighs. To Aurora) Aurora, 
your case is deeply interesting. 

Aurora. Oh, thank you, sir. 

Doctor. It's complicated. 

Aurora. It's 'oo, sir? (crosses c.) 

Doctor. It's complicated! 

Aurora. Oh, it is that, sir. 

Doctor. Now tell me. (Bus. with scribbling block) 
Do you suffer from your heart? 

Aurora. Oh, don't sir. (simpers) My 'eart, oh, don't 
I just! You 'ark at it, sir! (rushes at him, jumps on 
his knee, and presses his head to her heart) It goes 
bumpity-bump, and it's all for you, sir, all for you 

(Enter Flo. from bathroom.) 

I loves yer! (loildly) 

(Flo. shrieks, and enter Aunt quickly from bathroom 
in Doctor's Turkish bath-towel dressing gown, and 
icearmg Ms Turkish smoking-caji and bedroom slippers.) 

Aunt, (severely) What does this mean? 

Aurora, (looking at Aunt) What is it? I shall go 
off into highstrikes in a minute, I know I shall. 

Aunt, (more severely) Answer me, sir, what does 
this mean? (crosses to sofa) 

(Aurora goes off into hysterics lying on sofa.) 

Doctor, (looking at Aurora) I — I don't quite know. 
I think it's some form of hysteria, (bending over her) 



OH ! SUSANNAH I 6^ 

Aurora, (suddenly recovering and sitting up) It's a 
complicated case, mum. (laughs and falls back) 

Aunt, (to Aurora) Hold your tongue! (to Doctor) 
Coward! to try to sneak out of it like that! I've done 
with you. 

Flora, (bursting into tears) So have I! (crosses c. 
to meet Aunt) 

Aunt. Don't cry, dear — he's not worth it. 

Flora, (quickly) Oh, but he is — that's the worst 
of it. 

Aunt, (aside) I'll save this sweet girl from him, 
any way. (to Flo.) Go in there, dear, while /talk to him. 

(Exit Flo. into bathroom.) 

Aurora, (behind Doctor) Buck up, sir — I'll stand by 
yer. 

(Aunt descends upon him, he backs into Aurora, Bus. 
(ad lib.) 

Aunt. So, sir, you're not satisfied with your out- 
rageous treatment of me — your loving aunt, who came 
to London to be your best friend (c.) 

Doctor. If you'll only give me 

Aunt. Hold your tongue sir, I won't give you any- 
thing, (l. c. ) 

Ai RORA. Give 'im a chance, mum, that don't cost 
nothin' — (end of sofa) 

Aunt. Silence, the pair of you! 

Aurora, (taking Doctor's arm — looks up at him 
lovingly) "The pair of us! " 

Aunt. You shameless Don Juan; you've bragged to 
me about your goings on with two sailor girls 

Aurora. 'Tain't 'is fault, mum, they will kiss 'im! 
(c.) 

Aunt. Silence! You're breaking the heart of that 
dear girl in there, (pointing to bathroom,) Who's worth 
a hundred such creatures as you — a murderer who tried 
to drown his own aunt! 

Aurora. Drown yer! Why, the dear doctor wouldn't 
drown a kitten, and you ain't no kitten, 'Amlet! 

Aunt, (furious) And to crown all — I find you in the 
arms of this 

Aurora. This! Who are you callin' " this? " 

Aunt. A disreputable Pimlico lodging-house kitchen 
girl! (crosses r. and back again) 

Aurora. 'Ere! Cheese it! I may be a kitchen girl, 
but I ain't disreputable! 



CA OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Aunt, (very furious) There's only one thing left 
for you to do, sir. 

Doctor. I know — the water cure! 
Aunt. You shall marry this girl, sir. 
Aurora, (in a dream) Marry the dear doctor! 
Doctor, (aghast) Marry — Aurora! 

(Aurora turns away delighted.) 

(aside) I'd rather drown myself! (crosses r. corner) 
Aunt. Yes, and I'll make you do it. (ivith scorn) 

She's a fit 

Aurora (surprised — kneels) Oh, thank you for those 

blessed words, mum! You darlin' lady! I'll go and see 

to your clothes now, auntie! (going, comes back) Kiss 

me, Jack! Kiss your Financy! 

(Doctor leans with his back to table — Aurora climbs 
up on table and kisses him.) 

(aside) I'm a lady at larst! 

(Exit Aurora.) 

Aunt. Who's that poor girl in there? (pointing to 
bathroom) 

Doctor, (absently) Oh, that is Miss Garden. 

Aunt, (seating herself end of sofa, and putting rug 
over her, aside) She shall come and live with me! I 
know what it is to have loved a worthless man! (looks 
severely at Doctor) I pity her! 

Doctor, (very timidly) Aunt, may I explain? I'm 
not (crosses to sofa) 

Aunt, (loudly) Silence, sir! 

(Enter Plant with bag, hurriedly, shown in by Tupper.) 

Plant, (not seeing Aunt, meets Doctor going to- 
wards door) Bear up. Jack, I've bad news for you — Miss 
Garden's bolted — gone back to her husband, I'm afraid. 

Aunt. Her husband? 

Plant, (staggered, recovers himself) My dear Miss 
Sheppard! (aside to Doctor) What's the matter with 
her? 

Doctor. I don't know — complicated case. 

Plant. Ahem! So this joyful meeting between aunt 
and nephew has taken place — how I wish I'd been here 
to witness it — and my daughters, too. (to Aunt) 
They're devoted to dear Jack. Ah, I'm afraid the rascal 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 65 

means to rob me of one of my precious jewels. He's 
a gay dog! 

(DocTOE looks anything but gay.) 

Aunt, (aside) The sailor girls. They're his daugh- 
ters! (cross to fireplace) Ugh! 

Plant, (aside to Doctor) Is the old girl ill? What's 
I up? 

(Doctor is silent.) 

Ah, but he'll be a great physician — ahem — some day. 
(aside to Doctor) When the daisies are growing over 
auntie, eh? (end of sofa) 
Aunt, (severely) John! 

(Doctor doesn't move.) 

Plant, (same tone) John! 

(Doctor turns.) 

Aunt. John, leave us! 

(Doctor rises as if in a dream, shakes hands with Plant 
at end of sofa, and goes towards bathroom where Flo. 
went out.) 

John! 

(He turns.) 

Not that way, sir! (points door r. i. e.) 

(Doctor exits below r. i. e.) 

Plant, (aside) He's upset her, somehow — I wonder 
how? Ah, well, I must pour oil on the troubled waters. 
(to Aunt) A wonderful character — er — John. I con- 
gratulate you on having such a nephew — he combines 
all the tenderness of a woman with the more muscular 
qualities of a man. Did I tell you the story of his kind- 
ness to the milkman's baby? 

Aunt, (loudly) Bother the milkman's baby! (sits 
sofa) 

Plant. Certainly — er — bother the milkman's baby. 
(aside) She's strangely cross to-day. 

Aunt. I told you to draw up a deed settling a thous- 
and a year on my nephew. 
5 



66 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Plaxt. (producing it hlandly — Bus. — bag c. table) 
And I have consumed the midnight oil to complete it. 

(He hands it to her, over back of sofa, she pitches it in 
the fire — he tries to snatch it out.) 

My dear lady, that document's worth a lot of money! 
(rushes round sofa) 

Aunt. Let it alone! 

Plant, (aside) It's all off! 

(Aunt is poking vigorously, she hits Plant on purpose.) 

(hops away, rubbing his leg) I'm in a damned awkward 
corner. My dear Miss Sheppard, I fail to comprehend 
the meaning of your action. If ever there was a gentle 
Sheppard it's your dear nephew. 

Aunt. Tell that to the — the — milkman's baby. I 
could tell you a story of my nephew that would freeze 
your blood, (gesticulates with poker) 

Plant. You astound me — any insanity in the family? 

Aunt. (l. c, rising indignantly) Mr. Plant! 

Plant. No, no, of course not — I beg pardon — (sees 
she is tvearing Doctor's bath-toivel dressing goion — 
aside) By George! it looks like it, though! What has 
happened? 

Aunt. Who's Miss Garden's husband? (back to fire- 
place) 

Plant, (r. c, aside) Ahem! I must make a bit out of 
this, anyway. My dear lady, I mustn't betray a pro- 
fessional confidence, by mentioning his name, (aside) 
Even if I knew it, which I don't, (to her) But, strictly 
between ourselves, he's Jack's greatest friend. 

Aunt. She's married to Jack's greatest friend? 

Plant. Yes — a lieutenant in the navy. 

Aunt. Disgraceful! (crosses to table) 

Plant. Yes, (at sofa) I mustn't say more, (aside) 
Don't know any more, (to her) You see, she's a client 
of mine — of course I shall try and save Jack from the 
Divorce Court, but it's gone rather far, and these things 
cost money, you know. 

Aunt. What do you mean? (end of sofa) 

Plant. Only this afternoon I found her concealed 
on that couch — beneath that very rug you're now wear- 
ing— 

(Bus. — Aunt flings it off.) 

■ — and when I remonstrated with Jack — as a father — 



(LofC. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 67 

{end of sofa) he actually tried to pass her off as an 
anatomical model. 

Aunt, {at table, back to fire) Then, why do you call 
him a 'Gentle Sheppard?' Every word you say only 
makes it worse. 

Plant, {aside) Ahem! I've gone too far! {crosses 
to R.) 

Ai'NT. Bad as he is, I shall do my duty by him — I'm 
going to find him a wife. 

Plant. I'm afraid he can't support a wife — yet. 

Aunt. I shall settle an income on her — she'll take 
better care of it. {crosses to sofa) 

Plant {aside) It's all on again, {to her, crosses 
table c.) A noble resolve, {gets out pocket-book) Shall 
I take your instructions now? How much shall I say? 
• Aunt. Not yet. {crosses c. ) I want you to send your 
daughters to me. {crosses to sofa, puts sofa cushions 
behind her head. Only the Doctok's cap is visible to 
anyone entering room) 

Plant. With pleasure! {aside, putting tip pocket- 
book) I've done the trick, {to her) Two dear girls, 
who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness all 
their blameless lives. 

{Enter Mrs. O'Hara, sees fez, and naturally takes Aunt 
for Doctok. ) 

Mrs. O'H. Now, then, doctor, me an' my friends are 
all waitin' upstairs to 'ear the funny story. 

Plant. What funny story? 

Mrs. O'H. About the Lady and the Water Cure. 

Aunt, {aside) The Lady and the Water Cure? That's 
me! {jumping up) I forbid Doctor Sheppard to tell 
that story! 

Mrs. O'H. {seeing her for the first time) And who 
are you when you're at home? I took you for the 
doctor. 'Ow dare you come to my 'ouse, dressed in that 
indecent way? {crosses c. ) We're respectable in Mar- 
malade Street — I'm ashamed of my lodger for lettin' 
you in — 'e just shall tell that story now, or pay 'is rint. 

Aunt. There is my lawyer — he'll pay your rent. 

Plant. Certainly. Come with me, old fireworks! 

Mrs. O'H. Thank you, sir — you're a gentleman! 

{Exeunt Plant and Mrs. O'Hara.) 

Aunt, {alone c.) Actually going to make fun of me 
before a lot of vulgar people to get out of paying his 



68 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

rent. Is there anything he won't do? (sits in grand- 
father's chair) 

{Enter Andrew.) 

Andrew, (seeing Aunt's cap, mistakes her for the 
Doctor) I say. Dull Boy, where is she? Still in the 
bath? (roars) 

(Aunt does not move.) 

(aside, Bus. fills pipe, etc.) He's got the hump! Poor 
Jack! I say, I'm awfully sorry I've got you into such 
a deuce of a scrape, but you know you distinctly said the 
old lady wasn't coming till to-morrow. 

Aunt, (aside) Old lady! 

Andrew. And to-night we said we'd have one jolly 
good caper for the last. Now, did we say so, or did we 
not? (pause) You won't speak to me? Well, I dare- 
say I deserve it, and I'm awfully sorry, but you know 
if I'd had the slightest notion she'd turn up to-day, I'd 
never have dressed up like that picture. 

Aunt, (aside) Like what picture? 

Andrew. But, by George, it was a lark when the old 
girl came, and you thought she was me dressed up — and 
you — oh, lor! (laughs) 

Aunt, (aside) I begin to understand! (smiles at 
audience) 

Andrew, (up stage) Oh, don't be so beastly serious, 
there's no harm done. I'll put matters right with your 
aunt — you say she's an awfully good sort, and a sailor 
can always get the soft side of a lady — so come! Give 
us your hand and say you forgive. 

(Pause — Aunt doesn't move.) 

Oh, come on! (digs her in the ribs) 

Aunt, (jumping up) Sir! 

Andrew, (staggered) Oh, Susannah! (r. c.) 

Aunt. Sir! 

Andrew. I didn't mean you — I always say that — I 
mean — I'm most awfully sorry — can you forgive me? 
(end of sofa) 

Aunt. I can and do, because I'm so delighted to find 
that I've misjudged Jack, and that you were the real 
culprit. Pray tell me to whom I am indebted for the 
unexpected pleasure of my bath? 

Andrew. My name's Andrew Merry, I'm Jack's great- 
est friend. 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 69 

Aunt. His greatest friend? Are you a lieutenant in 
the navy? 

Anurew. I have that honor. 

Aunt. What shall I do? I have it. (crosses to hath- 
room) I've a great surprise for you — but you must not 
think any the worse of her — she's here with me — 
{opens bathroom door) Come in, my dear. 

{Enter Flo.) 

There! {points to Andrew) Kiss him and make it up! 

Andrew. Oh, Susannah! 

Flora, (c, aghast) Kiss him? I've never seen this 
gentleman before. 

Aunt. Mr. Plant told me you were man and wife. 

Flora. Mr. Plant would say anything horrid! 

Andrew. Oh, thanks! 

Flora. He wants one of his daughters to marry Jack. 

Andrew. Does he? Well, Ruby's engaged to me, and 
Pearl — well, don't worry about her, and as for dear 
old Jack, he's only cared for one girl all his life. I've 
never seen her yet — but he's told me more than once 
that her name was Flora Garden. 

Flora. I'll never be jealous again! 

Aunt, {aside) Jack's not so bad after all! 

(Andrew crosses r. of table. Enter Aurora dressed very 
grandly and eccentrically, orange blossoms in her 
hair and wearing her diamond paste combs — she car- 
ries a bundle of clothes.) 

Aurora, {to Aunt, affectionately) 'Ere you are, 
mum, 'ere's your clothes — auntie! {hands clothes to 
Aunt) 

(Flo. takes them and exits into bathroom.) 

{calls after her) 'Ere, they won't fit you! 'Ow can I 
thank you? You done it all, mum. The dear doctor's 
never give me the slightest encouragement of a word or 
a look. 

Aunt, {with blank astonishment) He never has? 

Aurora. No, mum. It was all a one side, and I 
should never 'ave 'ooked him if you 'adn't said the word. 

Aunt. I breathe again. (aside) Jack's a perfect 
angel, (to Aurora) I'll see you again, my good girl, 
before I go. 

{Exit Aunt into bathroom.) 



70 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Aurora. I 'ope we shall see you h'often when we're 
married. You'll always be welcome. She don't know 
what she's done for 'im. (at sofa side) 

Andrev/. I think ifs about time I met my future 
father-in-law — I shall have two or three things to say 
to him. 

(Axrora sits on couch and puts her feet up. Andrew 
sits in Doctor's chair. Enter Waverly, shotcn in hy 

T UPPER.) 

Wa\'erly. Where's Doctor Sheppard? (l. c.) 
Andrew. Out. I'm waiting to tell him the good news 
— I say, such a lark! 

(Waverly sits on table.) 

I've told auntie all about the bath business by mistake. 

Waverly. By mistake? 

Andrew. Yes, I took her for Jack. 

Waverly. How could you? 

Andrew. She'd got his things on. 

Waverly. (putting his hand over his face) Oh, 
Susannah! 

(Enter Doctor r. i. e., sees Aurora on sofa, and rushes 
off again, yowling.) 

Andrew, (to Waverly, neither having seen Aurora 
on sofa) Has he got 'em? Come on, we must tell him 
the good news. 

(Exeunt Andrew and Waverly after Doctor r. i. e.) 

Aurora, (alone, fondly) My love! Ain't he coy? 
I like a bashful lover. It's so gentlemanly, (sits at 
writing-tahle) 

(Enter Tupper excitedly.) 

Tupper. Please, sir — (sees Aurora, laughs) Well, you 
do look a guy! 'Oiler, boys, 'oiler, 'ere's another guy! 

Aurora. You don't know who you're talking to. I 
shall be yt»ur missus soon — I'm going to marry the dear 
doctor! 

Tupper. Oh, don't say that, Aurora! (cries) 

Aurora. Ah, you ain't the only one as'll cry when 
they 'ear the news. There's the butcher and the baker 
and my cousin, in the h'E division, he'll bust! Poor 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 71 

little Tupper, don't cry. Look 'ere, you shall come and 
kiss me in the vestry, after it's all over — that's more 
than I'll let the butcher do. Buck up, it'll soon be over — 

Tui'PEK {drying eyes) Oh, I Jorgot, there's a ser- 
vant come from Grosvenor Road. 

AuKORA. Tell 'er to wait. 

Tupper. But she says the lady's going to have a fit! 

AuROR.\. Tell 'er to wait, we are not to be disturbed. 

TuppKR. All right! (aside) Oh, ain't she lovely! 
She looks like an 'eavenly hangel, now I've lorst 'er 
for h'ever! 

(Exit TuppEK.) 

Aurora, (picks up letter) I'll see to her case my- 
self. It wants a woman in the case. (Bus.) I'll work 
this business different when I'm boss. I'll get 'im a lot 
of patients. 

(Enter Plant, Ruby and Pearl.) 

What! Back again! These visits'll 'ave to be paid for. 
We don't give nothing away heah! (ivrites on scrib- 
"bling block) To three consul'ations in one day at a 
pound a time— and there's three of yer. three- three's 
— that's eleven — kindly part up! (knocks on table) 

Plant. My good girl, this is not a professional visit. 
We've come to see Miss Sheppard. 

Aurora, (tcith dignity, sitting at writing table) 
Well, you can't. Auntie's changing 'er clothes — *as she 
told yer the news? 

PL.VNT. What news? 

(RuTJY signals to Pearl behind Plant's back.) 

Aurora, (haughtily) A mere trifle! There's goin' to be 
a weddin' from 'ere very soon. 

Pearl. A wedding? 

Plant, (to Ruby and Pearl, nibbing his hands, ready 
to take RucY and Pearl over r.) What did I tell you? 

Aurora. The dear doctor's the 'appy man! 

Ruby. And who is— the lady? 

Aurora. Ah, how embarrassing! No, you must ask 
auntie, she'll tell yer. 

Plant, (to girls) I told you Miss Sheppard wanted 
to see you both, (takes girls r. corner) She's going to 
choose between you. 

Pearl. Hadn't Jack better do that? (nudging Ruby) 

Plant. There's not time! 



72 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

(Mrs. O'Hara calling off.) 

Mrs. O'H. (off) H'Aurora! 

Aurora, (putting her hair hack) Thank goodness, I 
shan't be at this loio game much longer! 

(Enter Mrs. O'Hara.) 

Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you dress grander than your 
missus? Take 'em off, at once, and put on yer cap, 
then get along h'upstairs and wait on my lady friends. 
(slaps her shoulder) 

Aurora, (aside) Oh, when I 'ave servants of my 
own, won't I give 'em O'Hara! 

(Exeunt Aurora and Mrs. O'Hara l. u. e.) 

(Enter Doctor, Andrew and Waverly r. i. e.) 

Plant. Yes, there is time, just time. My dear Jack, 
there's not a moment to lose, (takes him to fireplace) 
The old girl has cut you off without a penny. 

(Doctor falls into his arms.) 

Don't give way! (holds him up) There's still hope. My 
daughters love you — 

(Doctor falls in a heap on the stage.) 

— and will marry you without a penny. 

Doctor (sitting on stage) Both of 'em! 

Plant. No, sir, either of 'em. You've only to choose 
and your aunt will forgive you everything — I've ar- 
ranged it all! Which is it to be? Quick — your answer!' 

Doctor, (pointing to the two couples) There's your 
answer. 

TABLEAU. 

Plant, (seeing Wavtirly and Andrew for the first 
time) What the devil's up now? Those dear girls have 
never given me a moment's peace in all their blessed 
lives! 

(Doctor at table c.) 

Pearl, (comes doicn) Papa, see what Mr. Vane's given 
me. (shows Mm pearl necklace) Precious pearls! Isn't 
that appropriate? I think Mr. Vane has something to 
say to you. (pushes him forivard) 



OH ! SUSANNAH ! 73 

(Waveely is silent.) 

Plant. Don't speak, sir — I know what you're going to 
say. 

Wa\'erly. I'm hanged if he does! 

Plant, {pockets necklace) No man shall rob me of 
my precious jewel, {hu£fs Pearl) whoever he is. 
(aside to Pearl) who is he? (passes her over to r.) 

Pearl, (aside to Plant) His father's an earl 

Plant, (aside) An earl! (to Waverly, putting out 
his hand) My dear sir, forgive me — a father's feelings — 
(sohs) You must give me time 

Wa\'erly. Certainly! There's — there's no hurry! 
{crosses l. to Ruby) 

Ruby, (bringing Andrew doic7i) Pa, this is — Andrew! 

Andrew. Mr. Plant — I 

Plant. Don't speak, sir — I know what you're going 
to say! 

Andrew. Does he? 

Plant, (taking Ruby in Ms other arm, and hugging 
the two girls closely) Another thief — after my precious 
jewels! (aside to Ruby) Has he got any money? 

Ruby, (aside to Pl.\nt) Lots! 

Plant, (aside) Good! (aloud) You're breaking my 
heart, gentlemen, but I mustn't be selfish. Take my 
precious jewels — and wear them! I wonder if it would 
run to a dinner? (counts his money) No! a lunch! 
Come to lunch to-morrow, both of you. 

Aurora, (off) Jack! 

{Enter Aurora. Doctor sees Jier, and ducks behind cur- 
tains c, hiding from her; she crosses to door r. i. e., 
and taps gently — no answer.) 

Jack! Where's my Jack? 

Plant, (looking at Ruby and Pearl) Ah, two dear 
girls who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness 
all their blameless lives. 

Aitrora. Ho! then it's all to come, for they told me 
as their pa 'ad set 'is 'eart on their marrying the dear 
doctor. 

Plant. How dare you! My daughters are Doctor 
Sheppard's cousins, and nothing would induce me to 
sanction a marriage between cousins, (going to her) 
You're a very naughty little girl. 

Aurora, (haughtily, seating herself and spreading 
Tier frock o^it) Little girl! Pardon me, my good man — 
do you know who you're talking to? You don't know 
my position in this 'ouse. I'm auntie's choice. 



74 OH ! SUSANNAH ! 

Plant. Are you? You're not mine! 
Aurora. Yes!, She's chosen me to marry the dear 
doctor! 

(Ruby and Pearl laugh.) 

Let them laugh as wins. You tried your best, but I 
don't bear no h'ill-will. I said I'd struggle with yer, 
and I've done it. If you're good girls, I may ask you 
to be bridesmaids — it's better than nothing, {crosses 
L. c.) 

Plant (to Doctor under table) I say. Jack, is this 
true? You have my deepest sympathy — and if it should 
come to a breach of promise — look me up! 

Doctor, (coming out) If ever I do look you and 
your precious jewels up, I'll bring a stick twice as big as 
yours. 

Plant. And that is gratitude! 

AEnter Flo. and Aunt — the'i/ listen.) 

Ruby, (liotly) I don't care ivfio marries Jack! 

Pearl. Nor I — he's not my style! 

Aunt, (to Doctor) This dear girl has told me ail 
about you — forgive me for my mistakes, but they weren't 
all my fault — (shaking her finger at Andrew) I hope 
you'll have a very happy married life. 

Aurora, (crossing) I'm sure 'e will. 

Aunt, (to Doctor) I shall do all I can to make it so. 

Aurora, (coming to her) Oh, thank you, mum, and 
would you please name the day? 

Doctor, (absently) My wife! (sees Aurora, shakes 
her off) Oh, go to! go to — (goes to Flora) This lady is 
my wife — we were married this morning. 

Aurora. My Jack married! Then I'm a widder! 

{She falls flat on the stage.) 
CURTAIN. 



MAR m 1905 



< 



■S8NB FOR A NBW DBSCRIPTIVB CA'k 



(French' i Standard Drama Ctntiatud from a.f page tfC^ner., 



f OL. XLI. 

191 Tb* PirnM't Ltgacy 
Sej Th* Chkrcoftl Uuruer 
tiS Adelgilba 
SS4 Senor V&lieat« 
Kb Koreit Rose 
196 Duke'! Daughter 
t'if CamUla't Hutbaa< 
(38 Plire Gold 

VOL. XLir. 
tK Ticket or Leave Mas 
S3e Fool'i Revenge 
t3l O'Neil the Great 
385 Handy Andy 
t33 Pirate of the Idee 
S34 Faiicbon 
S36 Little Barefoot 
»36 Wild Irish Girl 

VOL. XLin. 
J37 Pearl of Savoy 
336 Dead Heart 
8S9 Ten Nights In a Bar-room 
340 Dumb Bovof Manchester 
241 Belpheirofthe.Mounleb'li 
ii2 Cricket on the Hearth 
843 Printer's Devil 
M4 Meg's Diversion 



VOI-. XLIV 
845 Drunkard'^ Doom 
346 Chimney Corner 
HI Fifteen Years of a Drunli 
348 No Thoroughfare fard's 
34» Peep O' Day \lAS» 

360 Everybody's Friend 
351 Gen. Grant 
35< Kathleen Mavoumeen 

VOL. XLV. 

363 Nick Whiffles 

354 Fruits of the Wine Cup 

355 Drunkard's Warning 
36S Temperance Doctor 

357 Aunt Dinah 

358 Widow Freebeart 
369 Frou Frou 

360 LouiF Strike 

VOU XLVL 
86] Lancers 
36'i LuvlUe 
3t:3 Randall's Thumb 

364 Wicked World 

365 Two Orphans 
;t66 Colleen Bawn 

367 'Twixt Axe and Crown 

368 Lady Claocarthy 



VOL. XLVII, 
368 Saratega 
87* Never Too Lata to Mend 

871 Lily ef Franca 

872 Led Astray 
813 Henry V 

374 Unequal Match 

876 May er Dolly's Delusion 

376 Allatoona 
VOL. XLVin. 

377 Enoch Arden 

378 Under the Gas tight 
37} Daniel Rochat 

380 Caste 

381 Schoot 
3<<2 Home 

383 David Oarrlek 

384 Ours 
VOL. XLIX. 

385 Social Glass 
38( Daniel Druca 

387 Two Roses 

388 Adrienne 

389 The Bells 
890 Uncle 
391 Courtship 

m Not Such a Fool 



■<r\ 



iUFIneFea.usrs 

394 PraaiBter's B*s 
89S Iron Master 
396 Engaged 

'^97 Prpnaliea h Qalata* 
3*8 Leak 

399 Scrap af Papet 
4U0 Lost la Landen 
VOU LL 
-*01 OrkoraoD 
4flS Confederate Spy 

403 Mariner's Retura 

404 Ruiaed by Drink 

406 Dreams 
4M M. P. 

407 War 

408 Birth 
VOL. Lit. 

40t Nightingala 

410 Progress 

411 Play 

413 Midnl|;ht Charge 

412 Confidential Clerk 

414 Snowball 

415 Our Keglmint 

416 Married for Money 
Hamlet in Three Acts 
Guttle & Gulpit 



FRENCH'S INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHTED EDITION 
OF THE WORKS OF THE BEST AUTHORS. 

The following very successful plays have just been issued at 25 cents per copy. 



A PAIK OF SPECTACLES. Comedy In 3 Acts 
by SvDNay Gih;ndy, author of *'Sowing the Wind," 
&c. 8 male, 3 female characters. 

A POOL'S PARADISE. An oriclnnt play In 3 
Acts bv SvDNKV GiurNPy, author of "Sowing the 
Wind,'* Ac. 5 mule, 4 female characters. 

(THE SILVER SHIELD. An original comedy In 
3 Acts by Syonrv fiKlTvnY, author of "Sowing the 
Wind," t&c. 5 male, 3 female characters. 

THE GLASS OP PASHIOK. An original com. 
edy in 4 Acts by Sydney (iRUWDY, author of "Sowing 
the Wind," iic, 6 male, 6 female characters. 



THE BALLOON. Farcical comedy In 3 Acts by J. 

H. Dakm.ey and MANVI1.I.E Finn. ( male, 4 female 

ch.Hracters. 
MISS CLEOPATRA. Farce In 3 Acts by Abthub 

Shikllv, 1 male, 3 female characters. 
SIX PEBSONS, Comedy Act by I. Zanswill. 

I male, I female cliaracter. 
FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. Comedl- 

etta in 1 Act by I'bUcY Fe.ndall. 1 male, 1 female 

char.'icter. 
HIGHLAND LEGACY. 



Bit 



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CT. Comedy In 1 Act by 
thor of "Charley's Aunt." 



Contents of Catalogue which is sent Free. 



Amateur Drama 

Amateur Operas 

Articles Needed by Amateur* 

Art of Scene Painting 

Baker's Reading Club 

Beards, Whiskers, Mostaches, et«. 

Bound Sets of I'lays 

Bulwer Lytton's Playa 

Burlesque Dramas 

Burnt Cork 

Cabman's Story 

Carnival of Authors 

Ch.trade Plavs 

Children's Plays 

Comic Dramas for Mais Characters 

only 
Costume Books 
Crape Hair 
Cumberland Edition 
Darkey Dramas 
J'rumas for Boys 
Drawing-room Monologues 
Elocution, Reciters and Speakers 
Ethiopian Dramas 



f's Enterlaiiunent 
nd Hume Plays 



Even 

Fairy 

French's Cost 

French's Editions 

French's Italian Operas 

French's Parlor Comedies 

French's .Standard and Minor Drarna 

French's Standard and Minor Drama, 

bound 
French's Scenes for Amateurs 
Frobisher' 
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Guide Hooks for Ann,.<>urs 
Guide to Selecting Plays 
Hints on Costumes 
Home Plays for Ladles 
Irish Plnvs 
Irving's Plays 
Juvenile Plavs 
Make-Up Book 
Make-Up Boi 
Mock Trial 

Mrs. .Tarley's Wax Works 
New Pl.ys 



New Recitation Books 

Nigger Jokes and Stump Spmchas 

Parlor Magic 

Parlor Pantomimes 

Pieces of Pleasantry 

Poems for Recitations 

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Round G.<imes 

Scenery 

Scriptural and Historical Drama* 

Sensation Dramas 

Serlo-Coniic Dramas 

Shadow Pantomimes 

Shakespeare's Plays for Amateurs 

Shakespeare'* Plays 

Stanley's Dwarfs 

Spirit Gum 

Tableaux Vivants 

Talma Actor's Art 

Temperance Plavs 

Vocal Music of Shakespeara's Plays 

Webster's Acting Edition 

Wigs, etc. 



t Love 
[Letter 



VOL. XLT, 
821 Adventures of 
itl I est Child 
323 Court Cards 
824 Cojr and Box 
826 Fortv Winks 
826 Wonderful Woman 
327 Curious Case 
828 Tweedleton's Tall Coat 



(French' I Minor Drama Continued from 4th page of Cover.") 

VOL. XLII 
329 As Like as Two Peas 



330 Presumptive Evidence 

331 Happy Band 

332 Pinafore 

333 Mock Trial 

334 My Uncle's Will 
336 Happy Pair 

336 My Turn Next 



VOL. XLIII. 

337 Sunset 

338 For Haifa Million 

339 C ible Car 

340 Early Bird 

341 Alumni Play 

342 Show of Hands 
.'i43 Barbara 

344 Who's Who 



VOL. XLIV. 
345 Who'e To Win Him 
.346 Which is Which 
347 Cup of Tea 
34'J Sarali's Young Man 
341) He:irls 

350 In Honor Bound {Lavr 

351 Freezing a Mother-in- 
362 My Lord lu Livery 



SAMUEL FRENCH, 26 West 22d St;, New York City. 



^P~ New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request. 



*■(■ 



ii 



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Price IS Cents each.-E 016 1021702 



vo*.. t. 

I The Irlih Attoni«f 
% BooU :>t tl» Swan 
% How tn >'»y the R«nt 
4 Thu I^»n of a LoTtr 
i Tha De«d Shot 

6 His La«t Leg* 

7 The InrisibTe Prince 
i The GolJeri Farmer 

VOL. II. 
9 Tride of the Market 

10 Used Uo 

11 The Irish Tutor 

12 The Barrack Ruom 

13 Luke the Laborer 

14 Beauty and the Beast 

15 St. Patrii-k'i Eve 

16 Captain of the Watch 

VOL. in. 
n Tho Secret IP 

]g White Horee of the Pi 
19 The Jacobite 

50 The Botlle 
21 Box and Col 

52 Bamboozling 
83 Widow'! Victim 

24 Robert Macaire 

VOL. IV. 

25 Secret Service 
S6 Omnibus 

51 Irish Lion 
58 Mai.t of Croiesy 
29 The Old Guard 
SO Raising the Wind 

31 Slasher and Crasher 

32 Naval Engagementt 

VOL. V. 

53 Corknies in Calilbrni* 
M Who Speaks First 
36 Bombastes Furioso 
36 Macbeth Travestie 
87 Irish Ambassador 

38 Delicate Ground 

39 The Weathercock [Gold 

40 All that Glitters U Not 

VOL. VL 

41 Grimshaw, Bagshaw and 

Bradahaw 

42 Rough Diamond 

43 Bloomer Costume 

44 Two Bonnycftstles 

45 Bom to Good Luck 

46 Kiss in tlie Dark [jurer 

47 'Twould Puule a Con- 
« Kill or Cure 

, VOL. VII. 

I 49 Box and Cox Married and 
BU St. Cupid [Settled 

61 Oo-to-bed Tom 

62 The Lawyers 
53 Jack Sheppard 
64 The Toodles ' 
55 The Mobcap 

66 Ladies Beware 

VOL. Vllt. 

67 Morning Call 

68 Popping the Question 

69 Deaf ns a Post 
60 New Footman 
<l Pleasant Neighbor 

62 Paddy the Piper 

63 Brian O'Liun 

64 Irish Assurance 

VOL. IX. 

65 Tei.iptalioii 

66 Paddy Carey 

67 Two Gregories 
6!j King Charming 

69 Pu-ca-hon-tas 

70 Clockmaker't Hat 

71 Married Rake 

72 Love and Murder 

VOL. X. 

73 Ireland and America 

74 Pretty Piece of Busiu 

75 Irisli llroom-maker 

76 To Paris and B.Hct for 

Five Pounds 

77 That Blessed Baby 

78 Our Gal 
7!i Swiss Cottage 
bu Voung Widow 



VOL. XI. I 

t1 CFlannlgaB and the Fal- 
82 Irish Post [ries 

82 My Neighbor's Wife 

84 Iriih Tiger 

85 P. P., or Man and Tiger 

86 To Oblige Bensou 

87 State Secrets 

88 Irish Yankee 
VOL. Xlt. 

89 A Good Fellow 

90 Cherry and Fair Star 

91 Gale Breeiely 

92 Our Jemimy 

93 Miller's Maid 

94 Awkward Arrival 

95 Crossing the Line 



96 Conjugal Lesson 
VOL. XIII. 

97 My Wife's Mirror 

98 Life in New York 

99 Middy Ashore 

100 Crown Prince 

101 Two Queens 

102 Thumping Legacy 

103 Un6nished Gentleman 

104 House Dog 
VOL. XIV. 

10! The Demon Lover 

106 Matrimony 

107 In and Outof Place 

108 I Dine with My Mother 

109 Hi-a-wa-tha 

110 Andv Blake 

111 Love" in '76 [tie 

112 Romance under Difficut- 
VOL. XV. 

113 One Coat for 2 Suits 

114 A Decided C.>ise 
116 Daughter [nority 

116 No; or, the Glorious Mi- 

117 Coroner's Inquisition 

118 Love in Humble Life 

119 Family Jars 

120 Personation 
VOL. Xn. 

.51 Children in the Wood 

122 Winning a Husband 

123 Day After the Fair 

124 Make Youi WUls 

125 Rendezvous 

126 My Wife's Husband 

1 27 Monsieur Tonson 

128 Illustrious Stranger 
VOL. XVII. 

129 Mischief-Making [Mines 

130 A Live Woman la the 

131 The Corsair 

132 Shylock 

133 Spoiled Child 

134 Evil Eye 

135 Nothing to Nurse 

136 Wanted a Widow 
VOL. XVIIL 

137 Lottery Ticket 

138 Fortune's Frolic 
39 Is he Jealous! 

140 Married Bachelor 

141 Husband at Sight 

142 Irishman in London 

143 Anima! Magnetism 

144 Highways and By-Ways 
VOL. XIX. 

145 Columbus 

146 Harlequin Bluebeard 

147 Ladies at Home 
14(5 Phenomenon in a Smock 

Frock 
149 Comedy and Tragedy 
160 Opposite Neighbors 

151 Dutchman's Ghost 

152 Persecuted Dutchman 
VOL. XX. 

1 53 Musard Ball 

154 cJfeat Tragic Revival 

155 High Low Jack & Game 

156 A Gentleman from Ire- 

1 57 Tom and Jerry [land 
168 Village Lawyer 
159 Capt.nin's not A-miss 
161) Amateurs and Actors 



VOL. XXI. 

161 Promotion [nai 

162 A Fascinating Individ- 

163 Mrs. Caudle 

164 Shakespeare's Dream 

165 Neptune's Defeat 

166 Lady of Bedchamber 

167 Take Care of Little 
1C8 Irish Widow [Charley 

VOL. XXII. 

169 Yankee Peddler 

170 Hiram Hireout 

171 Doublc-Bedded Room 

172 The Drama Defended 

173 Vermont Wool Dealer 

174 Ebenezer Venture [ter 

175 Principles from Charac- 

176 Ladv of the Lake (Trav) 
'i'OL. XXIII. 

177 Mad Dogs 

178 Barney the Baron 

179 Swiss Swains 

180 Bachelor's Bedroom 

181 A Roland for an Oliver 

182 More Blunders than One 

183 Dumb Belle 
lft4 Limerick Boy 

VOL. XXIV. 
166 Nature and Philosophy 
1S6 Teddy the Tiler 

187 Spectre Bridegroom 

188 Matteo Falcone 

189 Jenny Lind 

190 Two Buzzards 

191 Happy Man 

192 Betsv Baker 

Vol. xx\'. 

193 No. 1 Round the Corner 

194 Teddy Roe 

195 Object of Interest 

196 My Fellow Clerk 

197 Bengal Tiger 

198 Laughing Hyena 

199 The Victor Vanquished 
■>m Our Wife 

VOL. XXVI. 

201 My Husband's Mirror 

202 Yankee Laud 

203 Norah Creina 

204 Good for Nothing 

205 The First Night 

206 The Eton Boy 

207 Wandering Minstrel 

208 Wanted, 1000 Milliuers 
VOL. XXVIL 

209 Poor Pilcoddy 

210 The Mummy [Glasses 

211 Don't Forget your Opera 

212 Love in Livery 

213 Anthony and Cleopatra 

214 Trying It On 

215 Stage Struck Yankee 
21« Young Wife k Old Um- 
brella 

VOL. XXVIII. 
217 Crinoline 
218. V Family Falling 

219 Adopted Child 

220 Turned Heads 
321 A Match in the Dark 

222 Advice to Husbands 

223 Siamese Twins 
24 Sent to the Tower 

VOL. XXIX. 
•225 Somebody Else 
2a6 Ladies' Battle 

227 Art of Acting 

228 The Lady of the Lions 

229 The Rights of Man 

230 Mv Husband's Ghost 

231 Two Can Play at that 
Game 

232 Fighting by Proxy- 
VOL. XXX. 

233 Unprotected Female 

234 Pet of the Petticoats 

235 Forty and Fifty [book 

236 Who Stole the PockeU 

237 Mv Son Diana [sion 

238 Unwarrantable tnt 
2.39 Mr. and Mrs. White 
240 A Quiet Family 



VOU XXXL 

241 Cool as Cucumber 
942 Sudden TboughU 

243 Jumbo Jum 

244 A Blighted Being 

245 Little Toddlekius 

246 A Lover by Proxy [Pail 
947 Maid with the Milking 

248 Perplexing Predicament 
VOL. XXXU. 

249 Dr. Dilworth 

250 Out to Nurs» . 

251 A Lucky Hit ' 

252 The Dowager 

253 Metamora (Burlesque) 

254 Dreams of Delusion 

255 The Sh.iker Loveri 

256 Ticklish Times 
VOL. XXXIII. 

■i67 20 Minutes with a Tiger 

258 Miralda; or, the Justict 
of Tacon 

259 A Soldier's CourUUp 

260 Servants by Legacy 



IQ.i Amateurs auu ^i;ior» -•>" « vi^x.^v j . 

{French's Minor Drama Continued on j<1 page of Covfr.) 



261 Dying for Lo _ 

262 Alarming Sacrifice 

263 Valet de Sham 

264 Nicholas Nickleby 
VOL. XXXIV. 

205 The Last of the Pigtails 
266 King Rene's Daughter 
567 The Grotto Nymph 

268 A Devilish Good Joke 

269 A Twice Told Tale 

270 Pas de Fascination 
•171 Revolutionarv Soldier 

272 A Man Withont a Head 
VOL. XXXV. 

273 The Olio, Part 1 

274 The Olio, Part 2 

275 The Olio, Part 3 [ter 

276 The Trumpeter's Daugh- 

277 Seeing Warren 

278 Green Mountain Bo;- 

279 That Nose 

280 Tom Noddy's Secret 
VOL. XXXVL 

281 Shocking Events 

282 A Regular Fix 

283 Dick Turpin 

284 Young Scamp 

285 Young Actress 

286 Call at No. 1—7 

287 One Touch of Nature 
28g Two B'hoys 

VOL. XXXVII. 
2S9 Ail the World's a Stage 
■J90 Quasb, or Nigger prac- 
591 Turn Him Out [tice 

292 Pretty Girls of Stillberg 

293 Angel of the Attic 

294 Circumstances alterCases 

295 Katty O'Sheal 
"■" A Supper in Dixie 

VOL. XXXVIII. 

297 Ici on Parle Franoais 

298 Who Killed Cock Robin 

299 Declaration of Independ- 

300 Heads or Tails [ence 

301 Obstinate Family 

302 Mv Aunt 

303 Th"at Rascal Pat 

304 Don Paddy de Bazan 
VOL. XXXIX. [ture 

305 Too Much for Good Na- 

306 Cure for the Fidgets 

307 Jack's the Lad 

308 Much Ado AboutNothing 

309 Artful Dodger 

310 Winning Hazard 

311 Day's Fishing [Ac. 

312 Did you ever send ycjr, 
VOL. XL. 

.313 An Irishman's Maneuver 

314 Cousin Fannie 

315 'Tis the Darkest Hour he- 
:il6 Masquerade [fore Dawn 

317 Crowding the Season 

318 Good Night's Rest 

319 Man with the Carpet Bag 

320 Terrible Tinker 



5AMIJEL FRENCH, 26 West 22d Street, New York City. 

New and Explicit Descriptive Catalogue Mailed Free on Request. 



^ 1 TRRftRY OF CONGRESS 

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